Things aren't looking too good for our beloved Miami Heat in the playoffs. Especially after their disastrous 106-77 loss to the Celtics Tuesday. Even an inspired performance by Dwyane Wade can't ensure a win. Yes, we'll get hometown advantage in tomorrow's game, but we think it's time for the Heat to pull out every last-ditch ploy to capture at least one win in the playoffs. We're not sure about the legality or morality of some of these, but honestly, we really don't care. This is Miami -- do we even have "laws" down here anyway?
The Dolphins have pioneered the publicity possibilities of enlisting celebrity minority owners. Maybe the Heat can take a page from the playbook of their gridiron counterparts, but instead of using the new owners for publicity, use them strategically. We know Tonya Harding knows just what to do when up against a heavily favored opponent. Or Maybe D-Wade can put aside his feud with the Gotti brothers. They might have some connections, and we're sure a horse head in the Celtics' locker room could tip the scales a bit.
9. Insult Celtics fans' mothers.
Boston sports fans are a reckless, unstable brood. They're called Massholes for a reason. Though, there are two things they love more than their sports teams: beer and their mothers. Can we please offer everyone who shows up at tomorrow's game a never-ending supply of free beer until they're good and drunk enough to believe anything. Then, during a strategic moment in the game, show Photoshopped pictures on the jumbo screen of Kevin Garnett macking on each and every one of their moms.
8. Offer free chauffeur service to the Heat if they win.
First Dorell Wright got busted for a DUI while driving his Bentley in Miami Beach; then reports surfaced that bench warmer Kenny Hasbrouck got popped for drinking and driving in February. Maybe the front office can kill two birds with one stone and motivate the team with a free year's worth of chauffeur service if it pulls this series out.
7. Enlist Tito Jackson.
Honestly, at this point, it couldn't hurt, right?
6. Let Royce Reed loose.
Before noted vagina thruster Royce Reed was stirring up trouble on Basketball Wives, she used to dance for the Heat, so surely she could do the team a solid. The lady, in her puppy-like simplicity, is a walking drama bomb. Just ask her baby daddy, Dwight Howard. Simply place something shiny on a string and she'll surely follow it. So why not lead her to the Celtics' hotel the night before the next game? Then play some 2 Live Crew and let her work her magic. We're not exactly sure what will happen, but we're willing to bet some Celtics teammates might do something they'll regret for the rest of their lives. Again, ask Dwight.
5. Go after their lucky charms.
Listen, if we know anything about leprechauns from a lifetime of watching television commercials, it's that people are always after their lucky charms. We have no idea what that entails or what exactly happens when you succeed, but we think it's worth a try.
4. Unleash Hollywood high jinks.
The Heat are classic Hollywood underdogs. You know what the movies always do at this point? They add something zany! Maybe the team can take a break from game film and get some ideas from real classics. Classics like Air Bud (recruit a talented dog), Juwanna Man (make Micheal Beasley dress in drag), Teen Wolf (turn Udonis Haslem into a werewolf), The Sixth Man (enlist a ghost player. Is suggesting Len Bias when playing the Celts a bit much?), Space Jam (draft Bill Murray... or Daffy Duck), or in an ultimate twist of irony Celtic Pride (get two crazed fans -- The Heat have those, right? -- to kidnap Paul Pierce).
3. Ditch the Republican Party and run as an independent!
Wait, wait, wait, that's that other Florida underdog who had a really good year in 2006 but seems kind of hopeless now. Sorry!
2. Change the rules to one-on-one ball.
Get the lawyers to thoroughly study the NBA rule book. There must be some obscure situation where the playoffs are allowed to be decided in a one-on-one setting. Because, listen, we really aren't sure if our team of Titos can take on the depth of the Celtics, but even in Game 2's lopsided loss, Dwyane Wade still scored more points than anyone on the floor. We're pretty sure he could take on any one of the Celtics mano-a-mano.
1. Clone Dwyane Wade.
If that fails, the Heat have about 30 hours to perfect the science of human cloning. Imagine it: an entire roster of nothing but Dwyane Wades! To save time, engineer the Wade clones to possess only basketball skills. They don't have to do things like talk, eat, have human emotions or silly things like that. Just make them lean, mean basketball machines. They don't even have to be particularly stable. We just need them to around for a few days. Failing that, we suggest you find a way to give Wade the power of Multiple Man.
