Well, we've found it. The worst professionally written piece about the Dolphins' Richie Incognito mess has been identified. Congratulations to the OC Register's "libertarian humorist" Ron Hart for penning a column that is all at once racist, sexist, completely stupid, and manages to both wonder if Jonathan Martin is gay and, of course, takes a pot shot at President Obama.
Let's look at some of the especially dumb things in this Dave Barry-wannabe's column:
The Left automatically blames Incognito because two things are in play here: race and sports. 1) Incognito is white and, therefore, a racist. 2) Football is brutal, involves money, and there are winners and losers, based on merit; therefore, it is bad.
The Left is blaming Incognito? Funny, I don't remember the Socialist Worker's Party releasing a statement on the matter. Pretty sure we've reached a bipartisan consensus that Richie Incognito is mostly to blame here. Also, pretty sure no one is calling Incognito a racist simply because he's white, but because he used a loaded racial slur in a specifically racial matter to insult Martin, which is, well, something racists tend to do.
Lost in the incremental political correctness taking hold in our country is the fact that we are becoming soft. Getting eighth-place trophies for participating and misplaced praise for every little thing they do has turned kids into complete pussy willows, way over-self-esteemed. For a prime example of where this can lead, we have in the White House someone who acknowledges no faults of his own and who only blames others.
Thanks Obama!
Hazing ...is a guy thing. Women shower each other with fake, shallow compliments; guys kid you about your weaknesses. Which approach identifies problems and allows you to get better?
Women aren't nasty to each other? They don't haze each other? Has this guy ever seen an episode of Real Housewives? Did he read that infamous "c*nt punt" sorority email? That girl made Incognito look like a teddy bear in comparison.
The offensive language both Incognito and Martin used is just how they talked. I wouldn't use it, but rap songs are worse. The First Amendment applies, even to football players.
1) Can white people just stop bringing up rap songs whenever a white person says the n-word? How fucking dense do you have to be at this point? 2) Pretty sure the First Amendment also applies to people criticizing what other people have to say.
Some have wondered whether Martin might be gay. If true, I can see why he would want to stay in the closet. It might cause him locker room problems. More gays in the NFL would be great. It would mean fewer out-of-wedlock kids and more production value in end-zone dances.
Who exactly is wondering if Martin may be gay? I'm sure there's random people on the internet wondering if Martin is gay, but if you type "Public figure's name" + "gay" into Google you'll find someone wondering if just about anyone is gay. I mean, I heard Ron Hart is gay. He does have this weird thing about dudes in tight pants and jockstraps doing end-zone dances.
He felt toughening Martin up was in his, and the team's, best interest. How do you think that process happens in the NFL? It is certainly not in a sensitivity workshop led by a Birkenstock-wearing, gluten-free, college psych professor.
The ultimate irony about this whole column is that Richie Incognito himself, by Hart's definition, is a "wussy." Have you all read that NFL.com pre-season feature on Incognito? He goes to therapy sessions and anger management classes. He sips on Arpeggio-flavored Nespresso. He enjoys the "soft, orchestral sounds of Lana Del Rey." He lives on Fort Lauderdale Beach. He takes Paxil. He meditates -- as in he took part in a Deepak Chopra 21-Day Meditation Challenge. The truth is that there are parts of Incognito that aren't that far away from "a Birkenstock-wearing, gluten-free, college psych professor."
His out-of-control hyper masculinity should not be viewed as some sort of antidote to today's supposedly wussified times, but rather the results of a deeply troubled psyche that he himself struggles to contain.
Viewed in that light, it's almost as tragic as Hart's struggle to be funny.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.
