They came for G.I. Joe, and we said nothing, because we always thought G.I. Joe was kinda dumb.
Then they came for Transformers, and we said nothing, because Michael Bay is unstoppable and anyway, Megan Fox is hot.
But then they came for Battleship, and we realized that soon, there would be no childhood experience left that hasn't been bastardized for fun and profit on the big screen.
The movie execs of the world have been pillaging our earliest memories for film premises for years, but the latest example -- Battleship, in which Liam Neeson, Rihanna, and Eric the vampire from True Blood battle an alien invasion -- is perhaps the most egregious. Were we playing with a defective game, or were there supposed to be extra-terrestrials raining from the sky as we called out "B-4! C-7!"
But hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em -- and maybe make some sweet cash in the process. So we'd like to pitch the following films based on other Hasbro toys. (Call us, Michael Bay.)
Risk
Genre: Epic action
Premise: In a world where population equals power, and power means world domination, six men will rise to dominate whole continents at a time. But in the game of war, there can be only one victor. Can you take ... the Risk?
Starring: Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, Jet Li, Benicio del Toro, Ben Affleck, and Zoe Saldana as dictators. Directed by Jon Favreau. In a surprise twist, Bjork shows up halfway through the film, leading armies from the North Pole.
Lite Brite
Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: In a world filled with darkness, one scientist sees the light. In this highly stylized film reminiscent of Tron, Leonard Barnes pokes through the black construction paper barrier that envelopes his world and enters a whole new dimension of shiny plastic.
Starring: Josh Duhamel as Barnes; Scarlett Johansson as love interest Violet; Tilda Swinton as Queen of the Plastic Realm.
Easy Bake Oven
Genre: Romantic comedy
Premise: When it comes to baking, Betty has it in the bag. But when it comes to love, life's not quite as sweet. That is, until she's swept off her feet by sexy chef Troy. There's just one problem: Troy's diabetic. Can Betty choose between the desserts she craves and the man she loves?
Starring: Reese Witherspoon as Betty; Jonah Hill as Troy; Gabourey Sidibe as the sassy best friend.
Cranium
Genre: Medical thriller
Premise: A deadly, Contagion-like virus is invading the brains of its victims, threatening to wipe out humanity, and there's only one person who can stop it: Dr. Whit Alexander. His methods are unusual, using trivia, word puzzles, charades, and making blue clay models to advance his research. But can he find the antidote in time?
Starring: Liam Neeson as Dr. Alexander; Olivia Wilde as his assistant.
Life
Genre: Indie dramedy
Premise: Piper knows the path he's supposed to take: Get a car, go to college, get married, have kids, and retire in a mansion to count all his money. But he just can't shake the feeling that there's something more. So he and some buddies set out on a road trip to figure things out. Along the way, they learn important lessons about themselves, each other, and maybe, just maybe, the secret of Life.
Starring: Keir Gilchrist as Piper; Aubrey Plaza, Zach Galifanakis, Zooey Deschanel, and Michael Cera as his buddies.
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