Exxxotica, the biggest sex convention in the country, is back in Miami this week. And if you've attended before, you know that this show can be full-blown, balls to the wall (or in your face) nutso. There's so much skin, so many toys, and sadly, so little time. The event runs just three days, so to get your maximum amount of freak on, you're going to have to go in with a game plan. One more detailed than "buy tickets, walk around, stare at boobies."
Luckily for you, we're here to point you in the right direction when it comes to understanding the ins and outs — ahem — of this sex bonanza. Here are the top 10 kinkiest things to do at Exxxotica. Use these suggestions wisely.
So you've made some homemade sex tapes. (Hopefully, of a better quality than that Kardashian crap.) You think they're pretty good, and you're wondering: Could you cut it as a pro? If your dirty little mind is headed down that dark hallway, Exxxotica has just the thing for you: Breaking Into The Biz: A How-To Guide To Getting Into The Adult Industry.
9. Fake It
If you're a bedroom faker, we don't judge. After all, you're only trying to sustain his self-esteem. But if you've perfected those skills to the point where your significant other is in awe of his own abilities, the Screaming O Orgasm contest might be for you. Ladies, get loud and proud! (And then teach your partner some skills, seriously.)
8. Get schooled
Ever wonder what it's like to be a porn star? Now's your chance to find out. Exxxotica offers a no-holds-barred session with some of the top adult film sexpots: Everything You Wanted to Know About Porn. Go on, ask away. Satisfy that curiosity. You're likely to pick up some super kinky tips, if that's what you're into. And you're at Exxxotica, so we're going to assume that it is.
Obviously, Exxxotica attendees are going to be showing a lot of skin. Want to stand out? Get all dolled up in your best schoolmarm-inspired outfit. With attendees dressed in everything from Lycra to leather, you'll be the kinkiest thing in the room. Especially if you carry a ruler for spanking bad little boys and girls.
6. Play nice
If you're a little wary about sex toys — or just wondering how some of those crazy contraptions even work — check out Sex Toys 101. This seminar will include discussions and demonstrations. After this one, you'll never wander self-consciously down a sex shop aisle again.
The best way to get kinky? At a seminar designed to instruct you on just that. Check out ;Tips and Techniques To Add More Kink in Your Relationship. After all, who couldn't use a little extra spice? Your lover will thank you, especially if s/he's a Republican.
4. See a legend
It doesn't get kinkier — or more experienced — than Ron Jeremy. Meet the "hedgehog" himself at a special Q&A, The Legend of Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy. ;Just try and come up with a question he hasn't heard. We dare you.
It's huge. It's pink. And it will rock your world (quite literally). Ladies, meet the Weenis, a mechanical penis for your riding pleasure. No, there is nothing "wee" about it.
2. Get busy on a bus
The infamous Bangbus will be on site. It's an "amateur" porn ride. Dudes pick chicks up off the street and convince them to, well, bang in their bus. Many a porn actress got started in this dirty ride. Hey, it's still less dirty than doing the nasty on actual public transit.
Submission Dungeon. Yeah, it's just what it sounds like. Attendees are encouraged to dress up and participate. If it's anything like last year, there'll be liquid latex, whips, and a lot of metal items we can't quite identify. Enjoy.
Exxxotica runs Friday, May 18, through Sunday, May 20 at the Miami Beach Convention Center. Visit exxxoticaexpo.com.
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