HîPleasures via Facebook
However, while some might consider this particular blog more appropriate for the experienced and more skilled hands of the Dan Savage school of writers, this new product, cheekily part of the "eating" experience, unfortunately falls slightly outside of our food section's bailiwick.
There are plenty of products out there -- largely unchecked and untested -- making wild claims running the gamut of strength, vitality, lasting power, enlargement, and heightened sensibility. Snake oils and magic beans mostly, but HîPleasures' newest product, the Sugar Cum pill, is in a league all its own.
HîPleasures' Facebook page
So what is Sugar Cum? As with all products of this nature, let's begin the explanation ambiguously. As stated on HîPleasures' site: "Sugar Cum is an all-natural pill used to invigorate anyone's sexual experience. The ingredients are 100 percent all natural, safe, and even nutritionally beneficial for you. Yes, that's right, you could see a marked improvement in your health just from taking Sugar Cum."
It goes on to explain it is a sweetener for both men and women. This does not mean it will turn your normally grouchy partner into the most dulcet and docile person on the planet, but rather -- and here comes the crassness (no pun intended) -- it'll make their "secretions" sweet. That's right, folks -- through the miracle of Sugar Cum, you'll never need to worry about how you taste in the love down below when things go extremely well in the bedroom or kitchen. Eat responsibly! Eat with confidence!
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It has long been known that dietary choices influence the taste of gonads, with garlic and pineapple being popular choices for varying degrees of effect, but Sugar Cum portends to ensure a happy and pleasant-tasting experience whenever it is used. If Sunderland's report is to be trusted, Jamba Juice might want to jump in on this for intellectual property rights. In the meantime, we can't shake the image of a very young Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem enjoying themselves in Bigas Luna's delightful Spanish allegory Jamón Jamón or the egg yolk scene between Kōji Yakusho and Fukumi Kuroda in Juzo Itami's masterful ramen Western, Tampopo.
Sugar Cum's recipe revolves around a blend of wheatgrass, cinnamon, pineapple, açaí, and papaya -- the last one a sure chuckle-inducer for our slangy Spanish speakers. As with all products of this nature, one should be aware that its use doesn't protect against pregnancy and STDs, so employ it in a safe and responsible manner. A package deal of five packets (ten pills each) is available for $19.99 here.
While products like this will not shake the foundations of sexual repression, they might help prevent situations like Chris Rock's fourth-wall break in the film CB4, and you know exactly what scene we're talking about.