Lady Gaga Talks It Up at the American Airlines Arena, April 13

The show actually started an hour and a half after the doors opened, so when the panting audience saw her shadow behind the screen, people were screaming heartily. A voice said, "Now we're never gonna make it to the Monster Ball." And a lime-green blonde Gaga responded, "Yes, you will. I'll take you there." Um, aren't we there already? Is this the Monster Ball? Wait, where are we?

The crowd's crazed and uncoordinated chants brought out the singer for "Just Dance," during which she played a little keyboard from under the hood of a green car. Her dancers were maybe guys, maybe girls. If you really cared, you'd have to check out what's downstairs to get a fuller idea whether to use "he" or "she." No one blinked, though, 'cause it's Gaga! 

This monster mob was almost exclusively comprised of older gay men and teenaged girls, all of which made non-stop clawing motions at each other and the stage. There were tons of people dressed in Gaga garb, including one teen boy who donned leather, knee-high spike heels. 

Meanwhile, the stage show was structured so that between "acts" a screen would come down and either frighten or bore the audience. At one point, during the most exciting sequence, it displayed some girl/guy barfing green stuff onto the "lady." The lady doth not protest. And what followed was Mother Monster, covered in blood, eating what looked like a human heart. To get the audience to dance, though, she did later say, in guilt-trip motherly fashion, that she was starving herself for us. A human organ-only diet perhaps? 

Then the talking began and rarely stopped.

Too much talking already! Anyway, there was an amusing little moment when Lady Gaga arose from beneath the stage in a red getup, and her hair was caught under her hood and it looked like a beard. That was funny. 

Some more songs and then again with the gabbing! She started making what sounded like a Grammy acceptance speech, a thank you to fans and some encouraging rambling about how she wasn't always this brave and that you need to reject anyone who makes you feel poopy. We're paraphrasing here. But like, can you sing instead? 

The nicest thing Gaga did was interact with the audience a ton. People were throwing gifts onto the stage and she was accepting them gratefully. One girl tossed a crown up and Gaga put it on for a bit, kissed it, and threw it back into the crowd. A pillow bearing the image of Ariel from "Little Mermaid" inspired an impromptu "Part of Your World." And another little monster sent a book flying Gaga's way and she read from it, like a loving mother to a group of 20,000 little ones. 

Also, who knew she was such a do-gooder, this Gaga? In preparation for "Telephone," a phone call to an audience member yielded the RE*generation Campaign, which helps homeless teens, $20,000 from Virgin Mobile, and the two chicks who answered their cell got to share a drink with Lady Gaga after the show. Later, she handed a $5 bracelet for tsunami relief, covered in fake blood, to a kid who had giver her a jacket at last night's show in Broward. He looked like he was gonna wet himself. 

OK, so like the creepiest part of the show was the "Show Me Your Teeth" gospel. After Gaga talked for a bit, she'd say, "Show Me Your Teeth" and the drums or guitar would follow. Like a call and response. She was the Priest of Weird and the audience members were the Parishioners of Love Thyself. She even said, "Let's go to church," around the time a Jesus angel fountain showed up on stage before later going up in flames. It's a bit cultish, but at least Gaga's message is one of self-acceptance and not conventional conformity. 

Next, Ms. Germanotta played the title song from her new album "You and I" on the piano. It sounds like a soulful Sheryl Crow pop country tune. Who knew she had it in her? And then during the encore, it became clear that "Born This Way" sounds like a hybrid of TLC's "Waterfalls" and Madonna's "Express Yourself." Please go listen to it again with these songs in mind. You'll be surprised by the accuracy of this assessment. Really.  

The "Paparazzi" monster was the visual highlight of the show. This crazy, giant octopus beast was the most interesting thing (beside Gaga, of course!) onstage, all night. The other props and sets were OK. But the monster's gaping mouth, goofy eyes, and wildly swinging tentacles were thrilling. What? Puppets are fun for adults too.

Then Lady Gaga emerged with sparks shooting out of her boobs. The whole thing didn't make a ton of sense. But it was definitely entertaining. And that's really the thing about Lady Gaga at this point: She's got a lot of good stuff here. And though it's not always crystal clear and conceptually sound, it's got our total attention.

Gaga's got us little and big monsters right where she wants us. 

-Intro

-"Dance in the Dark"

-"Glitter and Grease"

-"Just Dance"

-"Beautiful, Dirty, Rich"

-"Vanity"

-"The Fame"

-"Love Game"

-"Boys Boys Boys"

-"Money Honey"

-"Telephone"

-"Born This Way" (solo piano)

-"You and I" (new song)

-"Monster"

-"Teeth"

-"Alejandro"

-"Pokerface"

-"Paparazzi"

-"Bad Romance"

-"Born This Way"