Guinness with Guerrillas

The wilderness is tough for a real party animal. One time our friend the zebra walked into a bar and asked, “Can I get a red stripe?” The bartender looked up and said, “We don’t serve Jamaicans here.” We broke that snarky bastard’s ribs, smashed every bottle on the top...

By Jacob Katel

April 21, 2011

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The wilderness is tough for a real party animal. One time our friend the zebra walked into a bar and asked, “Can I get a red stripe?” The bartender looked up and said, “We don’t serve Jamaicans here.” We broke that snarky bastard’s ribs, smashed every bottle on the top shelf, and got a llama to spit in his face. So far we’ve learned never to pay an elephant’s bar tab, that New Guinea singing dogs suck at karaoke, and no matter how sexy the legs on that gazelle, her morning breath will damn near kill you. But we look forward to our great annual migration south to the greatest watering hole in the county, Brew at the Zoo at Zoo Miami. This year, there will be unlimited beers and malt beverages from breweries such as Brooklyn, Four Loko, and Hoegaarden; tons of grub; and a chance to show off our new mating rituals. And as soon as we start feeling like we’re in a real animal house, Otis Day & the Knights will hit the stage and make us wanna shout like we’re getting wasted with John Belushi. Only New Times could throw a party this good. Let’s see whose heart pumps tiger blood.
Sat., April 30, 7 p.m., 2011

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