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Jeffrey Loria’s Oily Speedo

Well, it has finally happened. The Miami Marlins are now just one step away from hosting tractor pulls in the outfield during the home at-bats and two steps from converting the upper deck into a poorly rated youth hostel. On Saturday, Marlins Park (501 Marlins Way, Miami) — the stadium that stares blankly across Little Havana like the stuffed heads of Miami taxpayers mounted in Jeffrey Loria’s hunting lodge — will host a Legends of Wrestling Night. The event will feature more than a dozen wrestling stars of days gone by, including several Hall of Famers. A “Hall of Fame,” for new Marlins fans who will otherwise never hear of the term, is sort of like a less terrifying version of the Bobblehead Museum on the Promenade Level, in that it celebrates players from pretty much every team but yours. A dozen lubed-up guys with moping ’roid moobs grappling in a parking lot might not immediately put one in the mind of Willie, Mickey, and the Duke, but baseball purists should take heart: The wrestlers will be signing autographs later in the stands, which all but guarantees a game-day attendance of 12 or more when the Colorado Rockies visit to take their nine innings of batting practice. This is what passes for optimism among Marlins fans these days; after all, if we are successful in finding a silver lining, it’s a fair bet that Loria will soon be on the scene to grab it away from us with one of those grip extenders obese people use to put on their socks. Loria, however, will not be getting into the ring, so superfans hoping he’ll wing his oily Speedo at their faces will instead have to apply for a job as his houseboy like the rest of us. Instead, you’ll get to see Bret “The Hitman” Hart, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, the Nasty Boys, Koko B. Ware, and a whole slew of other guys who will pretend to fight for your entertainment. Former World Heavyweight Champion Bill Goldberg will throw out the first pitch, assuming that Colorado or a young fan remembers to bring a ball to the stadium.
Sat., Aug. 24, 7:10 p.m., 2013


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