Dear John: If you're reading this note, you've already realized I've packed up my Twilight poster collection and left. Dr. Feinberg was right. You'll never change. You almost seem proud of the fact that you're the youngest person to be diagnosed with senile squalor syndrome. But I know it's all a big scam just to get on Hoarders. Here's a tip: Your piles of garbage are too neat, too clean. And if I ever see your fat face on the show, I'll call A&E and reveal you as the fake you are. I told you the last time you added another ferret to the ferret farm in your walk-in closest that it's either me or those snaky rats. Well, John, I think you've made your choice. P.S. I poured olive oil on the keyboard of your new MacBook, so if you want to get in touch with me, you'll have to actually set pen to paper and write me a letter. I could find only this college diploma to write this note on, though, so you might want to stock up on stationery at the Scarlet Letter. If you want to keep in touch, I recommend the box of 20 Crane & Co. monogrammed stationery cards for $19.