Sit down a minute, girlfriend. We gotta tell you something, and it ain't gonna be pretty. It's about your eyebrows. Honey, your shit is all jacked up! Look at the one on the left; you've plucked it all to hell. Looks like Whoopi Goldberg on one side. And the right one, mmm mmm mmm. That chick at the tacky wax place got you good. She gave you that Vanilla Ice stripe. All right, stop and listen — we're gonna get you to The Brow Shoppe, stat! The name says it all. Fifteen minutes with store owner Laura starts at $40! Tania costs $35, and she is too fly with her leopard-print tweezers. Yeah, it's more expensive than eight bucks in the storage room in the back of the mall nail salon, but they are worth it. Trust. They will thread, tweeze, and shape your eyebrows back into arches. And for the overplucked side, they have Renewabrow and Revitalash for sale — along with enough brow powder to tide you over between visits. And if you feel adventuresome, they can give your stick-straight lashes a perm. Okay, okay — baby steps. Let's make you an online appointment right quick; they're efficient like that. We'll have you looking fierce in no time!