Not the average freebie broadsheet cluttering the counter at your local cafeteria, El Clarin shines by eschewing printing news or opinion and cutting straight to business. The huckster happy rag features a dense tangle of sales pitches shilling everything from $70 divorces to pain-free abortions (offering a ten percent discount with an attached coupon) to cheap car insurance and a dentist who makes home visits, guaranteeing to fix that busted grill for just $49.99. The design-challenged pub's cover usually boasts a leering riot of Miami's ambulance-chasing yokels, including the occasional celebrity such Ana Maria Polo, the mugging arbiter of Spanish television's Caso Cerrado. Need a high-power santero, palero, or voodoo priest to reconnect you with a lost loved one or hurl a hex at the judge in a pending court case? Madame Karla, Tata Tatandi, and Papa Raul Don Petro offer reasonable investments in supernatural intervention. Seeking entertainment for your next office party? Try contacting Mariachi Tequila 2000. Bummed by contracting trifles? Pages of handymen are just a phone call away from building that glamorous add-on to your dream home minus the permit hassles. You can also find a private dick to track down a cheating spouse if that love potion fizzles, or call the Boing Boing escort service to help mop up the heartache during the rebound.