Email Author Orlando Winters

2011 Stories by Orlando Winters

• Oye, Carnies and Doughnuts

  published October 27, 2011

  Santa Claus is a bit of a jerk. He works one day a year and spends the other 364 judging you. Why do we find it necessary to leave milk and... More >>

• Meet and Greet with Adam Irigoyen (Did We Spell That Rightr)

  published Dec 22, 2011

  "But I don't know who that is!" We're right there with you, Everyone Ever. He's been dubbed the male Selena Gomez, which is probably the last title any guy would want, just barely beating out "adult b... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Which Mall Santa Is Best for Your Kidsr

  published Dec 19, 2011

  Every child experiences Christmas the same way: leaving milk and cookies for Santa; sitting on Santa's lap for the first time and thoroughly explaining in excruciating detail that an Asus something-so... More >>

• Somebody Gonna Get Pregnant

  published November 17, 2011

  First you loved him on Saturday Night Live; then it sucked for a while, so you hated him. Then you loved him on 30 Rock; then he... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Most Sexual Innuendos in a Potato-Themed Rap and Other World Records You Should Beat

  published Nov 10, 2011

  Back in the day, one required genetic superiority to set a world record. Being the fastest man in the world granted you with an air of excellence literally unmatched by all other humans. Today, all yo... More >>

• Bloodsucking at the Mall

  published October 6, 2011

  If we told you something scary was happening in a mall parking lot at night, it’s understandable that you immediately jumped to the worst... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Eight Ridiculous Bollywood Clips to Watch While High on Life

  published Nov 03, 2011

  Actually, you don't need to be chemically-altered to enjoy Bollywood (and other Indian cinema). It's that good. If you've never heard of Bollywood, it's the lovable term referring to the Hindi-languag... More >>

• Five Tricks to Play on Halloween

  published Oct 31, 2011

  Because of the craptastic economy, people will give out shitty candy tonight. Instead of yummy fun-size Snickers, Butterfingers, or M&M's, folks are giving out shares to fledgling companies on NAS... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  User's Guide to Fake Girlfriends

  published Oct 19, 2011

  As everyone knows, if a guy stays single or sexless long enough, his virginity will grow back--usually thicker and darker than before. However, regular sex that doesn't require pre-numbing your domina... More >>

• White and Nerdy

  published September 22, 2011

  Besides Coolio and probably the Amish after listening to “Amish Paradise,” who doesn’t love a good Weird Al Yankovic parody?... More >>

• House of Horror is much like a nightclub, except for the guy with the chain saw

  published October 6, 2011

  House of Horror is much like a nightclub, except for the guy with the chain saw More >>

• House of Horror: Cops, Jailbait Tweens, and a Few Scares

  published Sep 30, 2011

  America can be counted on for many things, and one of them is increasing the timeline of acceptability to honor a holiday. Which is why House of Horror officially opened its black gates last night whe... More >>

• Furious Fisticuffs

  published September 15, 2011

  Fighting, along with prostitution and alcohol consumption, can be considered among the oldest of human traditions. That makes us a terrible, just... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Six Movies That Will Make Grown Men Cry

  published Sep 28, 2011

  For men, crying is an activity best performed after a death, a championship loss, or in the shower listening to Dido after learning the Arrested Development movie is a no-go. Prior to the pussificatio... More >>

• Ridin' Dirty

  published September 8, 2011

  Come one, come all to the event consisting of the only known method to circumvent drinking-and-driving laws. No, not really. If you want to get... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Soliciting iPhone Hookups Using Grindr vs. Blendr

  published Sep 15, 2011

  When Steve Jobs sold his functioning liver to the Devil in exchange for the iPhone, his first thought probably wasn't, "I bet someone will create apps that ease no-strings-attached sexual encounters."... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Skinny Jeans, Ear Gauges, and Other Dude Fashions That Need to Go Away

  published Sep 13, 2011

  ... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  High Waists, Feathers, and Three Other Ugly Fashion Trends That Need to Go Away

  published Sep 08, 2011

  Like Meatloaf's willingness to do just about anything for love (except "that"), women are also inclined to partake in dumbassery for the sake of fashion. Men aren't perfect either, don't get us wrong,... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Quiz: Do You Belong at Burning Man, the Weeklong Hippie, Steampunk Circle Jerkr

  published Sep 01, 2011

  rIt's time for Burning Man, folks. Burning Man is a weeklong annual hippie circle jerk, held in a Nevada desert, meant to promote "radical self-expression." They also literally burn a wooden effigy.Ye... More >>

• A Douchebag's Guide to Hurricane Survival

  published Aug 23, 2011

  Meteorological experts have called August "the month when hurricanes are almost as brutal as my divorce (as in when my wife tires of my fearmongering and drawing trajectory cones on her belly as we ma... More >>

• Six Sports That Should Be Added to London Summer Olympics

  published Aug 10, 2011

  The Summer Olympics is the time when countries feverishly compete to see who comes in second place behind the United States in total medal count. From its modern origins in the late 19th century to to... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Eight Animals Scarier Than Sharks That Deserve Their Own Week on TV

  published Aug 04, 2011

  Shark Week is like the Black Friday of television programming. It comes around once per year and the people who don't shut the fuck up about it on Facebook look completely insane to us normals. Women ... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Which Non-Hispanics Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami Warr

  published Aug 02, 2011

  The Miami Survival Guide is Cultist's almanac of what makes Miami tick. Use it as a means to master your surroundings for use in the upcoming Palin presidential apocalypse or for getting punched in ... More >>

• Superhero Movies That Don't Exist and Should Probably Stay That Way

  published Jul 28, 2011

  With San Diego's Comic-Con at an end, it's probably still OK to talk nerd shit. You may be thinking, "but Mr. Winters, you seem like the coolest maternal fornicator around, what could you possibly kno... More >>

• 

  FEATURED STORY

  Five Texts That Test Whether Women Like to Sext More Than Men

  published Jul 25, 2011

  Want to know which demographic most enjoys gift-wrapping toenail clippings in moist towelettesr There's probably scientists right now securing grant money for just such a useless study. And consider t... More >>