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2014 Stories by Jacob Katel

Archives: 2014 | 2013 | 2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009 | 2008
  • FEATURED STORY

    RIP China Valles, Pioneering Miami Jazz DJ, Friend of Duke Ellington, Dead at 89

    published Dec 19, 2014

    Duke Ellington nicknamed Charles "China" Valles the "Maharaja," a Sanskrit word denoting greatness and royalty. And from his throne behind the microphone and his place at the helm of the Sunshine J... More >>

  • Chicago Bullshit

    published December 11, 2014

    The Miami Heat is faster than a lie out of a lawyer’s mouth, stronger than the Colossus of Rhodes, and better at shooting than a... More >>

  • FEATURED STORY

    Mr. Entertainment Talks Book of Guinnesses and "Punk Rock 'Diarrhea'"

    published Dec 17, 2014

    If you like songs about cocaine, marijuana, liquor stores, tropical diseases, and booty shaking, then Last Testament: Book of Guinnesses by Mr. Entertainment and the Pookiesmackers is the rock album... More >>

  • Dress Funny, Get Money

    published December 11, 2014

    Wanna make $200 for dressing like your favorite videogame, cartoon, movie, or imaginary character? Head to Cosplay Kingdom, where... More >>

  • DJ Roliboy on Miami Bass: Disco Dave Played Slow-Down Music Before DJ Screw
    FEATURED STORY

    DJ Roliboy on Miami Bass: Disco Dave Played Slow-Down Music Before DJ Screw

    published Dec 16, 2014

    In the great traditions of DJ Uncle Al, Disco Dave, and Milton "Butterball" Smith, DJ Roliboy is a Miami street DJ known for dropping tremendo bass. He was posted at the Graffé Cafe in Wynwood dur... More >>

  • Birds Of A Feather Suck Together

    published December 4, 2014

    The Baltimore Ravens suck at everything. If they tried to kick a soup can into the ocean, they’d miss. They’re weaker than a... More >>

  • FEATURED STORY

    Khaotic, Overtown Rapper's Basel 2014 Art Piece Started Blockwide "Boola!" Chant

    published Dec 08, 2014

    Khaotic is an Overtown rapper who collaborated with a Hungarian abstract artist named MSL for "Khaotic Killz Basel," a mobile pop-up art performance. They put a painting on a Benz and staged impro... More >>

  • Blazing Amazing

    published November 27, 2014

    The Atlanta Hawks are slower than C-SPAN on sleeping pills. They couldn’t slam a can of soda on a countertop. They haven’t... More >>

  • FEATURED STORY

    Telekinetic Walrus on Little Haiti's Moksha Art Fair: "Home of All Super-Psychedelic Weirdos"

    published Dec 03, 2014

    Telekinetic Walrus looks like a gang of interdimensional beings on a concert tour across space-time. This Miami band's stellar live shows are a tripped-out electronic circus of operatic vocals, rh... More >>

  • Failure Is Their Middle Name

    published November 20, 2014

    The Charlotte Hornets are a terrible basketball team. Their offense is as useless as a Nerf ball in a gunfight, and their defense stinks... More >>

  • No Bucks, No Glory

    published November 13, 2014

    The Milwaukee Bucks are so lousy that the NBA ought to add animated stink lines to them when they hit the court. They lose more often than... More >>

  • The Message is In The Medium

    published September 18, 2014

    Art isn’t ruled by truth or beauty or the subconscious mind. It’s governed by a simple precept, which is this: If it makes no money,... More >>

  • Uncle Luke and 2 Live Crew Reuniting for One Night Only at LIV Miami
    FEATURED STORY

    Uncle Luke and 2 Live Crew Reuniting for "One Night Only" at LIV Miami

    published Nov 18, 2014

    Get ready to pull out your "Me So Horny," "Pop That Coochie," and "We Want Some Pussy" dance moves, because the 2 Live Crew's Fresh Kid Ice, Brother Marquis, and Uncle Luke are reuniting for "one ni... More >>

  • Buffalo Bullcrap

    published November 13, 2014

    The Buffalo Bills are softer than a pile of baby ducks, and they’ve got yellow bellies too. Legend has it they all have a good cry... More >>

  • Indiana Trashketball

    published November 6, 2014

    The Indiana Pacers stink worse than a bag of fish on a summer day. They call themselves a basketball team? They couldn’t throw a... More >>

  • Cash and Blood

    published November 6, 2014

    Steve Almond is an award-winning journalist who wrote for this very paper way back in the ’90s. Then he quit his job and became a New... More >>

  • DJ Bre on Dormtainment and Miami Hip-Hop
    FEATURED STORY

    DJ Bre on Dormtainment and Miami Hip-Hop

    published Nov 13, 2014

    The life of the party is in the hands of the DJ. They play the cuts that keep the people dancing, moving, and shouting along. They are also in charge of bringing the newest sounds of the streets in... More >>

  • South Florida's PBG, Pretty Boy Gangsta from Loaf Of Bread Records
    FEATURED STORY

    South Florida's PBG, Pretty Boy Gangsta from Loaf Of Bread Records

    published Nov 10, 2014

    Going from dirty clothes to filthy rich isn't easy, but Fort Myers' Pretty Boy Gangsta has done it by traversing Alligator Alley to Miami for more than a decade. The rapper whose brother built the ... More >>

  • Charge To The Game

    published October 30, 2014

    The San Diego Chargers are so slow their cleats might as well be high heels. They can't run, they wobble when they walk, and they care more... More >>

  • Blowfly's Top Ten Contributions to Music
    FEATURED STORY

    Blowfly's Top Ten Contributions to Music

    published Nov 06, 2014

    Blowfly, otherwise known as Clarence Reid, is more than just the world's first recorded rapper, a smooth-singing soul crooner, and a sex prophet for profit. He is living proof of Miami's global rele... More >>

  • Hand-Clappin’, Knee-Slappin’ Fun

    published October 30, 2014

    A wise comedian once said, "Improvisation is when the chicken starts to cross the road but instead jumps into the back of an old Chevy pickup and... More >>

  • Weak-End Wizards

    published October 23, 2014

    The Washington Wizards are in rough shape. They couldn’t beat a one-armed man in a clapping contest. They couldn’t sink a... More >>

  • FEATURED STORY

    Blowfly's Save the Funky House Party: "Take Care of Our Local Legend"

    published Oct 31, 2014

    Blowfly is so old that hieroglyphics on Egyptian pyramids show him and Cleopatra having oral sex. Legend has it that's where he wrote the lyrics to his classic "Girl Let Me Cum in Your Mouth." Both... More >>

  • Laugh on the Beach

    published October 23, 2014

    Chris D’Elia is a road-dog comedian. He reportedly performed 430 shows in 2011 alone. Highways across America are littered with the... More >>

  • Houston Is Gonna Get Chopped and Screwed

    published October 16, 2014

    The Houston Rockets are a great team full of nice guys. So we almost feel bad they’re gonna go back to Texas as crybaby losers after... More >>

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