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2014 Stories by Jacob Katel

Archives: 2014 | 2013 | 2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009 | 2008
  • No Bucks, No Glory

    published November 13, 2014

    The Milwaukee Bucks are so lousy that the NBA ought to add animated stink lines to them when they hit the court. They lose more often than... More >>

  • The Message is In The Medium

    published September 18, 2014

    Art isn’t ruled by truth or beauty or the subconscious mind. It’s governed by a simple precept, which is this: If it makes no money,... More >>

  • Uncle Luke and 2 Live Crew Reuniting for One Night Only at LIV Miami

    Uncle Luke and 2 Live Crew Reuniting for "One Night Only" at LIV Miami

    published Nov 18, 2014

    Get ready to pull out your "Me So Horny," "Pop That Coochie," and "We Want Some Pussy" dance moves, because the 2 Live Crew's Fresh Kid Ice, Brother Marquis, and Uncle Luke are reuniting for "one ni... More >>

  • Buffalo Bullcrap

    published November 13, 2014

    The Buffalo Bills are softer than a pile of baby ducks, and they’ve got yellow bellies too. Legend has it they all have a good cry... More >>

  • Indiana Trashketball

    published November 6, 2014

    The Indiana Pacers stink worse than a bag of fish on a summer day. They call themselves a basketball team? They couldn’t throw a... More >>

  • Cash and Blood

    published November 6, 2014

    Steve Almond is an award-winning journalist who wrote for this very paper way back in the ’90s. Then he quit his job and became a New... More >>

  • DJ Bre on Dormtainment and Miami Hip-Hop

    DJ Bre on Dormtainment and Miami Hip-Hop

    published Nov 13, 2014

    The life of the party is in the hands of the DJ. They play the cuts that keep the people dancing, moving, and shouting along. They are also in charge of bringing the newest sounds of the streets in... More >>

  • South Florida's PBG, Pretty Boy Gangsta from Loaf Of Bread Records

    South Florida's PBG, Pretty Boy Gangsta from Loaf Of Bread Records

    published Nov 10, 2014

    Going from dirty clothes to filthy rich isn't easy, but Fort Myers' Pretty Boy Gangsta has done it by traversing Alligator Alley to Miami for more than a decade. The rapper whose brother built the ... More >>

  • Charge To The Game

    published October 30, 2014

    The San Diego Chargers are so slow their cleats might as well be high heels. They can't run, they wobble when they walk, and they care more... More >>

  • Blowfly's Top Ten Contributions to Music

    Blowfly's Top Ten Contributions to Music

    published Nov 06, 2014

    Blowfly, otherwise known as Clarence Reid, is more than just the world's first recorded rapper, a smooth-singing soul crooner, and a sex prophet for profit. He is living proof of Miami's global rele... More >>

  • Hand-Clappin’, Knee-Slappin’ Fun

    published October 30, 2014

    A wise comedian once said, "Improvisation is when the chicken starts to cross the road but instead jumps into the back of an old Chevy pickup and... More >>

  • Weak-End Wizards

    published October 23, 2014

    The Washington Wizards are in rough shape. They couldn’t beat a one-armed man in a clapping contest. They couldn’t sink a... More >>


    Blowfly's Save the Funky House Party: "Take Care of Our Local Legend"

    published Oct 31, 2014

    Blowfly is so old that hieroglyphics on Egyptian pyramids show him and Cleopatra having oral sex. Legend has it that's where he wrote the lyrics to his classic "Girl Let Me Cum in Your Mouth." Both... More >>

  • Laugh on the Beach

    published October 23, 2014

    Chris D’Elia is a road-dog comedian. He reportedly performed 430 shows in 2011 alone. Highways across America are littered with the... More >>

  • Houston Is Gonna Get Chopped and Screwed

    published October 16, 2014

    The Houston Rockets are a great team full of nice guys. So we almost feel bad they’re gonna go back to Texas as crybaby losers after... More >>


    Tobacco Road: A Seven-Part, 102-Year History

    published Oct 24, 2014

    Legend has it that Miami was just 15 years old when the city's mayor lost its first liquor license in an illegal poker game with a Miccosukee card shark. Now, 102 years later, that document has bee... More >>

  • Sadlanta, Georgia

    published October 9, 2014

    In honor of the 305 being the best basketball city in the world, here’s a poem about how big a bucket of Loserade the Miami Heat will... More >>

  • Destructive Finicism

    published October 9, 2014

    Football is America’s greatest blood sport. From the busted knuckles to the broken bones, we love each concussive moment. Every Sunday in... More >>


    Red Bull Siempre Fresco: A Fiesta Starring Salsa Legends and Latin DJs

    published Oct 15, 2014

    Larry Harlow plays the piano like palm trees play the breeze, like a lizard plays the grass, like the sunrise plays the morning. He's a natural. And 50 years of practice have made him even better. ... More >>

  • Black Kvlt Fest: We Got the Biggest Cuban and Colombian Black Metal Bands in the World

    Black Kvlt Fest: "We Got the Biggest Cuban and Colombian Black Metal Bands in the World"

    published Oct 10, 2014

    When it rains in Hell, the ground cracks open and Satan's blood flows up from Hades to soak the Earth. Maggots in the dirt gorge themselves on the devil's plasma until their tiny, ugly bodies burs... More >>

  • Venus Rising, South Florida's All-Female Drum and Dance Group: "Twerking? That's African"

    published Oct 09, 2014

    You were born to the pulsing pound of your momma's heart going thump. And today, the beat of a drum still brings you new life. Now multiply that phenomenon by 22, and you've got the estrogenergetic... More >>

  • Legend Of The Drunken Troll

    published October 2, 2014

    Hank Schloppin was gloriously drunk. So drunk he slid off the bench in a Munich beer garden and found himself under the heavy oak of a raucous... More >>

  • Laugh Your Ass Off

    published October 2, 2014

    Former NBA star Shaquille O’Neal has plenty of Gold Bond money to invest in his heralded traveling comedy show. He’s also fired his... More >>


    The Fly Boys Talk "All About That Ass," Meghan Trainor Parody

    published Oct 07, 2014

    Meghan Trainor's "All About That Bass," has touched millions, including Miami's own the Fly Boys, who decided to make their own version, called "All About That Ass." It's a dirty, explicit, and tri... More >>

  • Brown Sub's D-Mac on Working With Jermaine Dupri: "Relentless Work Ethic"

    published Sep 29, 2014

    D-Mac aims to be the first rapper out of Miami's notorious Brown-Sub section of Liberty City to make a global impact in music. And the new video for his track "Mind State" off his Destiny mixtape m... More >>

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