rss Email Author B. Caplan

2014 Stories by B. Caplan

Archives: 2014 | 2013 | 2012
  • Salvador ¡Dale!

    published September 4, 2014

    Ah, autumn comes to Little Havana. The crunch of acrylic nails underfoot. Neck chains jangling as the bro harvest nears. It’s still... More >>

  • Strum Your Ground

    published August 21, 2014

    You needn’t be El Kabong to know how difficult it is to inflict injury with a guitar, with or without the tablature for the Goo Goo... More >>

  • Bang! Bang! Pow! Pow!

    published July 24, 2014

    Guns don’t kill people; people kill people. When will the people finally own up to their responsibility in getting killed and leave the guns... More >>

  • Let Them Eat Hot Dogs

    published July 10, 2014

    The United States has fallen down the list of national obesity rankings, now sweatily wedged between Egypt and Saudi Arabia. We cling to the top... More >>

  • Two Tickets to the Shoe Show

    published June 26, 2014

    Right this way, giant Fukushima millipedes! This Saturday’s SoleFest, Florida’s touring sneaker convention, kicks up its... More >>

  • Vodou Booze

    published June 19, 2014

    Your summer has been a series of disappointments and failures, so far indistinguishable from the rest of the year. But that’s only because... More >>

  • Lead Up to The Cup

    published June 5, 2014

    This week brings two World Cup warm-up friendlies to Sun Life Stadium (2269 NW 199th St., Miami Gardens): England versus Ecuador last Wednesday... More >>

  • Booze in Your Future

    published May 22, 2014

    The occult has long inspired painters, from Lucian Freud’s early portraits of Jonathan Lipnicki as The Littlest Vampire to Bob Ross using... More >>

  • Soccer Hunks Vs Mutants

    published May 1, 2014

    Hey, Miami has a professional soccer team! Calm down — you didn’t lose two years to the Ambien your dealer tricked you with again. No,... More >>

  • Sprockets Goes Swedish

    published March 27, 2014

    Now would be a good time to full-screen the video for “Destruction” by Tobias Bernstrup and then take your copy of New Times or... More >>

  • MIFF, Week Two

    published March 13, 2014

    Still fiending for more film greatness? Don't sweat it, because the 31st-annual Miami International Film Festival is only... More >>

  • MIFF Review: City of God -- 10 Years Later

    published March 6, 2014

    Ten years after the release of the Oscar-nominated Brazilian slum drama City of God, directors Cavi Borges and Luciano Vidigal catch up... More >>

  • MIFF's Short Films: Mermaids, Unicorns, and Fancy Cats

    published March 6, 2014

    This year's MIFF offers more than 40 shorts, and with the notable exception of Cherry Pop: The World's Fanciest Cat (directed by... More >>

  • Ted Bundy Was His Name-O

    published February 20, 2014

    Usually, you have to go to a nursing home if you want your bingo game to end with a high body count. Not at Miami Beach Botanical Garden (2000... More >>


    published February 13, 2014

    Finding a lover is quite easy if you lower your standards to someone who looks like a warthog. Warthogs, after all, have been doing it for... More >>


    published February 13, 2014

    Oceans cover nearly three-quarters of the planet’s surface, but some people still don’t have enough places to look at boats.... More >>

  • Got Any Russian in You?

    published February 6, 2014

    The conversation hearts that Vladimir Putin is giving to Russian gays this year equate pedophilia and homosexuality and say things like,... More >>

  • Rip It Up

    published January 30, 2014

    Isabel Allende has sold more than 57 million books. If you round up, that’s 100 million books, which you could in turn sort of round... More >>

  • Drunk Naked Cult = Art

    published January 30, 2014

    It used to be that if you wanted to get in a movie, you’d have to ring Marlon Brando’s doorbell and then quickly hide inside a... More >>

  • Tricycle Gang Storms Coral Gables!

    published January 23, 2014

    Many Miami drivers are scared to leave their carports as long as the cycling menace is riding loose. But there’s hope. “Bicycles are... More >>

  • Beer Pyongyang

    published January 16, 2014

    At the Democratic Republic of Beer (501 NE First Ave., Miami) — an autonomous zone that, like Somaliland and Iraqi Kurdistan, has yet to be... More >>

  • Pee Before Going In

    published January 9, 2014

    You live in Miami, where there is never a shortage of pliant adulterers wading in your swimming pool or, failing that, at least a friendly manatee... More >>

  • Merry Marionettes

    published January 2, 2014

    If you like puppets and lynchings, first of all: Shame on you. Second, you should know that one of Mexico’s best-loved bilingual marionette... More >>

Archives: 2014 | 2013 | 2012