Zombies Suck: Five Monsters We Hope Make a Comeback this Halloween
5. Mummies Are Better Than Zombies
Here's a good transitional monster for those apprehensive about adjusting their supernatural creature intake. It's a scary step, but think about it: Mummy's are baaasically zombies with a cooler costume--love the bandages,baby. They're so 1999 BC-- and a sexy and/or mystical ancient Egyptian mythology.
4. Vampires (And No We Don't Mean Twilight) Are Cooler Than Zombies
The new wave of Vampires--led by tween-lust fantasy novel and film series Twilight, and adjusted for "adults" by True Blood--is pathetically trying to modernize the classic aesthetic. We want our vampires to act and look like an elusive, kinda creepy, metrosexual uncle circa 1950.
Dollhouse Dance Factory: Bring It! Live
TicketsSat., Jul. 1, 8:00pm
TicketsSat., Jul. 8, 8:30pm
You're a Good Man Charlie Brown: Young Professionals
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 2:00pm
Big Band Concerts with the Florida Wind Symphony
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 7:00pm
Miami Curves Week Presents: Curves & Comedy
TicketsFri., Jul. 21, 9:00pm
3. Witches Are Better Than Zombies
Harry Fucking Potter not only spoiled this classic pseudo-feminist (witches were highly misunderstood) archetype by introducing a whole bunch of crap that has nothing to do with witching's core principles of snatching babies to brew in your cauldron and organizing the world's supply of razor-blade trick-or-treat candy.
2. Chupacabras Are Better Than Zombies
What do you mean nobody ever solved Miami's chupacabra craze of the mid-90s? Are you trying to tell us that shit is still loose?
1. Cookie Monster Is Better Than Zombies
Cookie Monster is truly a monster after our own heart. No time for village wrecking, explorer terrorizing, or Munchkin abuse. This guy is all business. And by business, we mean unabashed, no-shame gluttony. Can you imagine if in place of a bunch of lazy corpse paint and half-assed shouts of "Braaaains!," Lincoln Road was subsumed by a Cookie Monster walk?
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