Lip waxing? Not so bad. Eyebrows? A breeze. But men, you should count yourselves lucky to have penises so you don't have to endure the torture known as bikini waxing. It isn't a coincidence that many of us ladies compare it to childbirth. It ain't pretty until is over.
We don't trust just anyone with our delicate parts and a bowl of hot wax. After all, giving a great wax really is a true talent. It can't be a great experience for the
esthetician who waxes vaginas all day, right? Actually, wrong. The anonymous waxer we spoke to says she
actually loves her job. But much like your neighborhood cyclist and tattoo artist, she says there are a few people that make life pretty
miserable. Here are few reasons why your bikini waxer hates you.
1. Your Monthly Gift
When you're having your period, who wants to leave the house, let alone get their vagina waxed? Well, apparently some do. So ladies, if aunt flow has come to town, delay your appointment by five to seven days.
2. Wipe It, Wipe It Good
Your mom teaches you proper bathroom etiquette at a young age for a reason, and we don't want to work around an "unclean area" with wax in hand. Next time your heading to the salon, be sure your rear is clear. Maybe even check twice.
3. Watch the Clock
We know that everyone runs at least 20 minutes behind, but when you run late, it means we have less time to work on your lady parts. And do you really want us to rush on something like this? Like good sex, you want us to take it nice and slow. So try your best to be on time.
4. Liar, Liar
We ask you when the last time you shaved for a reason. Depending on when you shaved determines how we wax you. So, when you say it's been a few weeks and we can tell it's only been a few days, first off, we're not excited that you lied to us. Secondly, it really does affect the entire appointment. So don't lie, OK? Because when you do, no one wins.
5. Smelly Kelly
Please, please, please take a shower before you come in for your appointment. There isn't anything worse than being "down there" on someone that has just come from the gym or hasn't showered in days. All we ask is a quick wash down before you head our way. Not too hard, right?
6. Watch Your Tone
Going into a bikini waxing appointment, you should understand that it's going to hurt. Really good estheticians can make it less painful, but no appointment will ever be truly painless. So mentally prepare yourself and please don't bust my eardrums with your screaming when I pull the wax off. The end result will be worth it, promise.
7. Longer Is Better
For your hair down there, it's much easier for us to work with longer than shorter. It is easier for me and you. We know it might get a little uncomfortable to keep it anything but cleanly shaven for a few days, but do you really want wax directly on your skin? No, we didn't think so.
8. Long, But Not Too Long
Speaking of your hair down there, if it looks like Don King is coming out of your panties, please trim before coming to see us. Nothing against Don King.
9. Pick One or the Other
We always say, "Once you go wax, you never go back." So if you go back and forth from shaving to waxing, we have bad news for you. It's gonna mess your shit up down there. Your hair grows back differently after waxing, so when you shave, it's not easy for me to wax and it's not easy for you when pull it is pilled off your junk. Even if it is a little pricey, try your best to see me every two to three weeks. It works out better for everyone.
10. Don't Act So Shy
It's kind of like going to see your OBGYN. You know they have seen a million and one vaginas. We went into this profession knowing we would have to look at beavers all day, so when you take your pants off, don't feel weird. We have seen all kinds and yours is truly nothing special.
