Dear Mistress,
I am a single, good-looking guy. I just moved to Miami Beach, and I can't find a girlfriend. Women down here don't have a brain in their head or they're stuck-up gold diggers. It's almost as if they expect to see your tax returns and bank statements before they even agree to go out to dinner with you. What's up with that? How can I find a nice, clever girl who won't chase after my gold AmEx?
Sincerely,
A Real Catch
Dear A Real Catch,
Welcome to Miami Beach, a heaven on earth where most girls are shallow, vapid, and soulless. They'll suck your wallet dry before they'd call you their boyfriend. Now, I'm not saying all of the girls on the beach are like that -- just most. But hang on there ARC, I'm picking up on a vibe here that you think your own judgmental ass doesn't stink.
Want the perfect girl who will behave exactly as you desire? Then hire a hooker. Prostitutes are easy to control, all you have to do is wave your money at them. After all, nonpaid girlfriends are so high maintenance with their needs and expectations. It's a perfect deal: First of all, a hooker will tell you straight up that she's after your money, and she won't care about your perfect credit score as long as you pay cash. Second of all, you don't have to take her out to expensive dinners and buy her fancy stuff because she's your lackey employee. With no requisite courtship, a call girl will give you the best girlfriend experience ever for the low, low price of 200 bucks an hour.
You see, guys like you want the easy way out. Why bother looking for a girlfriend -- who may, gasp, have imperfections and faults -- when a perfect hooker is just a Google search away? To quote Sebastian Horsley, a London artist who died this year of a drug
overdose (may his body rot in peace), "sex that you get for free always
ends in misery, children, divorce, mortgages, and suicide." See his
video guide to whoring below.
But I'm guessing you don't want lust over love and sensation over security so you probably shouldn't go the hooker route. And if you're going to go with unpaid companionship, you have to stop wasting your time looking for the perfect girl. Next time you're trolling South Beach for girlfriend material, give the hottie with the Prada clutch a chance before you start shouting "Gold digger!"
