We were way ahead of the story released by Deadline.com yesterday that "revealed" that Universal Pictures was developing a new version of Scarface. While we didn't exactly break the story, let's just say we had a hunch when we suggested the five best and worst actors to play Tony Montana.
That said, we're cautiously optimistic that the new Scarface will make its two predecessors proud. But, again, we have some suggestions. If it's true that Universal Pictures doesn't want Scarface to be Italian like in the 1932 film, or Cuban like in the 1983 flick, and that they are considering another immigrant story, then they should make him one of the following ethnicities. Some might seem ludicrous, but by now you should know better than to question Cultist.
5. Julio de Las Montanas (Mexican)
If producers want to keep Scarface Hispanic (and our guess is they do to capitalize on the number one minority population in this country), then they're going to want to look south of the border. Let's face it, nothing speaks to the 21st Century immigrant experience like a Mexican American. Plus, there are plenty of viable actors to pick from in the dozens of Mexican soap operas we already watch in this country. We like Beniio del Toro as frontrunner. Sure, he's Puerto Rican, but he played a badass Mexican in Traffic.
4. Vladimir Монтана (Russian)
Last time Tony Montana was alive and kicking (and shooting up his mansion), we were still in the midst of the Cold War. But now we mostly see Russians running our strip clubs in Miami. So we're thinking they might make for a good twist for our new Scarface. Instead of running drugs, he could be running strippers and escorts. We don't have to tell Hollywood that the infusion of some serious T&A in any movie is pure box office gold.
3. Tonee du Montagne (Canadian)
Of course, there would have to be a great deal of suspension of disbelief if the next Scarface was from Canada because they have national healthcare, and the chances of any Canuck actually ending up with a scar on their face is pretty slim. But still. We think this is a great chance for Canadians to toughen up their truly wimpy national persona. Hockey players aside, the country is about as intimidating as a rabid poodle. We can hear him saying, "Say hello to my little friend, eh?"
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2. Kim Jong Montana (North Korean)
While a Canadian Scarface might not intimidate, a North Korean will have audiences shitting their collective pants. Nothing says I'm just crazy enough to start World War III like the leader of North Korea. This new Scarface could be dealing in black market nukes and other weapons of mass destruction and in that way feed in to the whole terrorism angle that audiences are drawn to.
1. Tony Runs With Wolves (Native American or Inuit)
We're dying to see Native American villain in a major Hollywood production. Talk about a chip on the shoulder. A Cherokee Scarface could skin his adversaries with impunity and the audience would still love him. Or we can go with a Eskimo Scarface who has over 100 words for cocaine. He would club his enemies like Eskimos do baby seals. We can picture him saying, "Say, hello to my little friend," before pulling out a huge harpoon. We're sure there will be some major blowback from either one of these depictions, but we're also sure they'll be plenty of secret joy from watching long persecuted peoples get payback.