In 2006, Dontrelle Willis, his Blood Alcohol Content reading like Emlio Bonifacio's batting average, staggered from his double-parked black Bentley, took a piss on a South Beach wall, and got arrested for a DUI. The bust not only set off D-Train's inexplicable career slide, which has had him pitching for a team called the Mud Hens, but it started a trend. Miami Beach, modest hamlet of 90,000, has certainly become the Nation's Capitol of Getting Busted For Driving Your $400,000 British-Made Coupe While Shit-faced.
On March 14, Browns receiver Donte Stallworth tried to use his Bentley's brights as brakes and killed a man crossing the MacArthur Causeway. BAC: .126. Less than two weeks later, atrocious-corporate-art millionaire Britto was swerving around Washington Avenue in his 2001 Bentley when cops popped him for a BAC twice the legal limit.
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It's gotten to the point now that when somebody anywhere in the country gets in trouble in a Bentley, its automatically assumed that a Miami celebrity is driving-- oops, sorry, DJ Khaled.
So Riptide's wondering: what celebrity will be the next to emerge from Mansion slurring insistently, "A cab? Fuck no, bro, I used to drive more wasted than this all the time in my Nova, before I got my contract. Yo, valet! It's the one with the plates that say Stunnnna, yeah, with four 'N's'".
We, for one, are going for a dark-horse pick: Andy Murray, AKA the New Tennis Guy We're Supposed To Care About. While we respect his choice to abstain from the SoBe lifestyle, precedent tells us "Miami" and "millionaire" and "straight-edge" is a short-lived equation. We give Murray three weeks before cops find him sleeping in the front seat of an Arnage parked diagonally across the free throw line of the basketball courts at Flamingo Park.