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Which Non-Hispanics Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami War?

The Miami Survival Guide is Cultist's almanac of what makes Miami

tick. Use it as a means to master your surroundings for use in the

upcoming Palin presidential apocalypse or for getting punched in the

face, whichever comes first.

No one likes to lose. Losing is almost as awful and pathetic as being a member of Nickelback. We recently learned a thing or two about which neighborhoods and Hispanics would survive the post-apocalypse, but what about the rest?

Armed with modern investigative techniques such as asking a

cubicle mate for some random country names and cross-referencing that

data with an iPhone's auto-correct, we set out to discover which other

nationalities predominantly inhabit Miami and the best way to catalog

their characteristics. As always, this is going to be racist as fuck.

Haitian.

Haitians are

relegated to doing all the shit other Miami residents really hate doing.

Like work. If you've never ridden in a cab driven by a Haitian, please

take the time to do so after you've updated your life insurance policy

and dotted the i's in your will. They might not care about unimportant

things like traffic signs and right of way, yet they'll get you where

you need to go faster than anyone else. That's efficiency, and extremely

useful in a lawless society controlled by renegade car gangs. Little

Haiti, El Portal, and

North Miami are their congregation points.


Positive Attributes: Unlike

the Hispanics, Haitians have their own language in which they can speak

in code when formulating their attacks. With the community's

mastery of musicianship, they can hide secrets in songs and none would

be the wiser. Oh, that hot new Wyclef track? Attack signal. Take

that shit, German Enigma.


Negative Attributes: The

Haitian diaspora in Miami unfortunately suffers from poverty. It's

tough to mount an attack when gun runners don't deal in food

stamps.


Brazilian.
They've got the art of bootleg Spanish down pat.

Listening to a Brazilian talk is like listening to a Hispanic with an

allergic reaction to sesame seeds speak Spanish through his swollen

tongue. Admittedly, it's very difficult to tell a Brazilian apart from

the rest because every stupid asshole non-Brazilian seems to have one of their soccer

jerseys. They can't tell you who the president of Brazil is, but they'll know how to pick Ronaldinho's ugly-ass face out

of a lineup with their eyes closed. North Bay Village and Doral are where

Brasileiros call home.

There is only one actual Brazilian in this photo, and he's blurry because he's dancing samba.
There is only one actual Brazilian in this photo, and he's blurry because he's dancing samba.
Carla Arenas

Carla Arenas
There is only one actual Brazilian in this photo, and he's blurry because he's dancing samba.
Positive Attributes: That

fake martial art of capoeira can come in handy if they want to make

their enemies laugh at how dumb it is to think that some impractical

dancing and legwork in which the goal is to miss your opponent every

time is worthwhile in combat. It'll give their compatriots time to

retreat and counter with jujitsu.


Negative Attributes: Most people assume

their national sport is soccer, but in reality it's crime. Rather than

fixing problems, they just create favelas and dump their issues there.


 


WASP.

White Anglo-Saxon Protestants may not be a very large force in Miami,

but that sort of thing never stopped them before. Remember when the

Brits owned 112 percent of the planet and forced brown people in India to do

all sorts of things for them? They might look dainty and feminine when

they're sipping tea and playing croquet with the hopes and dreams of minorities, but when it comes time to fight, they put on their conquest caps and start giving people smallpox if

that's what it takes. They reside wherever they want; they go Manifest

Destiny all up in this bitch.


Positive Attributes: Definitely experience. They also seem to have God on speed-dial, or so they claim.

Negative Attributes:

Eventually their ambitions spread their resources too thin and they're

forced to return to their small patches of land to live in luxury and

excess.


Similarities between a WASP and a wasp: They'll both fuck your shit up.
Similarities between a WASP and a wasp: They'll both fuck your shit up.
Wikipedia: Alvesgaspar

Wikipedia: Alvesgaspar
Similarities between a WASP and a wasp: They'll both fuck your shit up.
Italian.

The last good things to come out of

Italy were the Allied Forces during World War II. Whenever military

successes are brought up, they bring up the Roman Republic/Empire or Rocky Marciano. That

was a long fucking time ago. Their army now consists of guidos,

mobsters, and awful house DJs. They usually reside in Miami Beach and

aren't much of a threat.


Positive Attributes: They may not win any wars since they've long forgotten how, but no one would kill them because they make incredible chefs.

Negative Attributes: They're pretty easy to spot, what with the pungent stench of Axe body spray and orange skin.

This is what the Romans fought for.
This is what the Romans fought for.
Guidofistpump.com

Guidofistpump.com
This is what the Romans fought for.
Russian. America's

boogeymen for half a century rightfully earned their reputations. They

were the first to go, "You know what, there isn't enough shit in space.

Let's do something about it." They've been slinging malfunctioning

equipment into orbit ever since, only occasionally taking a break to

sell arms to terrorists and China. For some reason they love having

dick-measuring contests, and they always lose, because Russia is cold as

fuck. Guys get that reference right away. They mostly live in Bal

Harbor and Sunny Isles Beach.


Positive Attributes: Russians

are the best black-market weapon dealers. The most popular gun on the

planet, the AK-47, was designed by a Russian guy who hasn't seen a

single ruble of royalties from it. Fuckin' commies.


Negative Attributes:

They got along famously with Cubans that stayed in Cuba, but the ones

in Miami are a different story. Plus they'll die of dehydration when

their vodka supply lines dry up.


That's

all, folks. If your people weren't represented on this list, sorry, but

blog readers usually have the attention span of an autistic savant on

cocaine. Slighted though you might feel, you're open to leaving comments

telling us why your nation's people are better suited to surviving hell.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.


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