The Miami Survival Guide is Cultist's almanac of what makes Miami
tick. Use it as a means to master your surroundings for use in the
upcoming Palin presidential apocalypse or for getting punched in the
face, whichever comes first.
No one likes to lose. Losing is almost as awful and pathetic as being a member of Nickelback. We recently learned a thing or two about which neighborhoods and Hispanics would survive the post-apocalypse, but what about the rest?
Armed with modern investigative techniques such as asking a
cubicle mate for some random country names and cross-referencing that
data with an iPhone's auto-correct, we set out to discover which other
nationalities predominantly inhabit Miami and the best way to catalog
their characteristics. As always, this is going to be racist as fuck.
relegated to doing all the shit other Miami residents really hate doing.
Like work. If you've never ridden in a cab driven by a Haitian, please
take the time to do so after you've updated your life insurance policy
and dotted the i's in your will. They might not care about unimportant
things like traffic signs and right of way, yet they'll get you where
you need to go faster than anyone else. That's efficiency, and extremely
useful in a lawless society controlled by renegade car gangs. Little
Haiti, El Portal, and
North Miami are their congregation points.
the Hispanics, Haitians have their own language in which they can speak
in code when formulating their attacks. With the community's
mastery of musicianship, they can hide secrets in songs and none would
be the wiser. Oh, that hot new Wyclef track? Attack signal. Take
that shit, German Enigma.
Haitian diaspora in Miami unfortunately suffers from poverty. It's
tough to mount an attack when gun runners don't deal in food
They've got the art of bootleg Spanish down pat.
Listening to a Brazilian talk is like listening to a Hispanic with an
allergic reaction to sesame seeds speak Spanish through his swollen
tongue. Admittedly, it's very difficult to tell a Brazilian apart from
the rest because every stupid asshole non-Brazilian seems to have one of their soccer
jerseys. They can't tell you who the president of Brazil is, but they'll know how to pick Ronaldinho's ugly-ass face out
of a lineup with their eyes closed. North Bay Village and Doral are where
Brasileiros call home.
fake martial art of capoeira can come in handy if they want to make
their enemies laugh at how dumb it is to think that some impractical
dancing and legwork in which the goal is to miss your opponent every
time is worthwhile in combat. It'll give their compatriots time to
retreat and counter with jujitsu.
their national sport is soccer, but in reality it's crime. Rather than
fixing problems, they just create favelas and dump their issues there.
White Anglo-Saxon Protestants may not be a very large force in Miami,
but that sort of thing never stopped them before. Remember when the
Brits owned 112 percent of the planet and forced brown people in India to do
all sorts of things for them? They might look dainty and feminine when
they're sipping tea and playing croquet with the hopes and dreams of minorities, but when it comes time to fight, they put on their conquest caps and start giving people smallpox if
that's what it takes. They reside wherever they want; they go Manifest
Destiny all up in this bitch.
Eventually their ambitions spread their resources too thin and they're
forced to return to their small patches of land to live in luxury and
The last good things to come out of
Italy were the Allied Forces during World War II. Whenever military
successes are brought up, they bring up the Roman Republic/Empire or Rocky Marciano. That
was a long fucking time ago. Their army now consists of guidos,
mobsters, and awful house DJs. They usually reside in Miami Beach and
aren't much of a threat.
boogeymen for half a century rightfully earned their reputations. They
were the first to go, "You know what, there isn't enough shit in space.
Let's do something about it." They've been slinging malfunctioning
equipment into orbit ever since, only occasionally taking a break to
sell arms to terrorists and China. For some reason they love having
dick-measuring contests, and they always lose, because Russia is cold as
fuck. Guys get that reference right away. They mostly live in Bal
Harbor and Sunny Isles Beach.
are the best black-market weapon dealers. The most popular gun on the
planet, the AK-47, was designed by a Russian guy who hasn't seen a
single ruble of royalties from it. Fuckin' commies.
They got along famously with Cubans that stayed in Cuba, but the ones
in Miami are a different story. Plus they'll die of dehydration when
their vodka supply lines dry up.
all, folks. If your people weren't represented on this list, sorry, but
blog readers usually have the attention span of an autistic savant on
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cocaine. Slighted though you might feel, you're open to leaving comments
telling us why your nation's people are better suited to surviving hell.