Which Neighborhood Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami War?

Pretend for a moment that Sarah Palin is elected president. Within mere moments, the United States will revert to total chaos the likes of which the Mad Max screenwriters would've traded two, maybe three kilos of coke for a glimpse of. And we're fucking psyched. Not for Palin, no. We still maintain that she's certifiable. It's for the insane post-apocalyptic nightmare we'll have to endure. It'd be like Hurricane Andrew and Hurricane Katrina had weathersex and created a climactic spawn that rained hell upon all of Miami.

In this brave new world of hellish tribulations and dog-eat-dog mentality, it's a good idea to make sure you side with the neighborhood that stands a bigger chance of emerging victorious in the fight for resources and more reliable bandwidth for streaming porn. So which neighborhood is best suited to dominate and wrest control of Miami's precious natural resources like sawgrass and government corruption? Well, let's find out.

Aventura

You would assume these residents are the

first ones to go, but you'd be wrong. There's no place in Thunderdome

for a bunch of doctors, lawyers, and retirees, of that we're in

agreement. However, history has clearly demonstrated that Jews are a

resilient bunch. And plus, with the clusterfuck of the Aventura Mall,

it's like Aventura residents have been practicing for a crowded

apocalypse for years.


Positive Attributes: Tougher than expected due to their consistent braving of Aventura Mall.


Negative Attributes: Thanks to copious bagel joints, residents might be slowed down by the carbs in their diets.



Hialeah
Assumed

the people's champion, it's a tough call. While Hialeah lacks the water

resource Kendall has a firm grasp on, they can drink water from those

stagnant-ass canals and it probably wouldn't hurt their intestines much.

Why? Because they're from motherfucking Hialeah. There are a ton of

residents, so manpower is a strength, but with all those people and cars

from the plentiful car dealerships, they may fall into chaos when they

start getting into car accidents and can't call Alex Hanna at 411-PAIN.


Positive Attributes: Population, cars, knowledge of bleakness and despair.

Negative Attributes: Fierce competition with Kendall and lack of resource power may hamper their progress.


Warvan
Kendall in 2012
Kendall
Damn

it, Kendall has it all. An airport for renegade battle choppers and

planes, access to water and game from the Everglades next door, a lot of

territory, a lot of citizens, and a reputation for being a place no one

wants to bother driving all the way to. Who the fuck wants to invade a

place they hate driving to? Even though they've got farmlands, fresh

water, and even military resources nearby people will still equate

Kendall with the useless out-of-the-way shit hole that it currently is

and not bother.


Positive Attributes: Plentiful resources, vast land area, in cognito.

Negative Attributes: None, it seems.


Miami Beach
Downtown

and Overtown can easily join forces and take their talents to South

Beach for some ass-whooping. Miami Beach has very little in terms of

defenses unless it happens to be Memorial Day weekend, in which case

just about every belligerent force will get shot in the face faster than

you can say Suge Knight. Other than that, dainty European ex-pats and

unfortunate tourists who couldn't leave on time don't a strong force

make.


Positive Attributes: There is a

Coast Guard station and a port with many ships, but where are they going

to go? By that point Palin was already given the nuclear launch codes.

Best chance to take over Fisher Island and guard it like a fort.


Negative Attributes: No fresh water and can be easily cut off from the mainland making things quite difficult for them.


Downtown
As the most densely-populated neighborhood south of New York City,

sheer numbers could be beneficiary to this neighborhood. Worse comes to

worst, human beings can be used as projectiles against enemy

combatants. That's a nice fantasy. The reality is, high rises are

impractical as shit when there's no electricity. Sure, Brickell denizens

may have a lot of disposable income, but that means dick post-2012.

Miami will run on a gas, grass, or ass system.


Positive Attributes:

Yuppies are generally smart and cutthroat enough to figure out a way to

fuck people out of something. High rises, while impractical to live in

without electricity, are decent fortresses against invading forces.

Unless they have matches.


Negative Attributes:

Something tells me Space will still be open even after renegade

motorcycle gangs take over Miami. That's fucking awful, close that shit

down already.



Guilherme Jofili
Doral within two weeks.
Doral
If

wars could be fought with fake tits and LA Fitness memberships, Doral

would do well, but once it becomes apparent to the female residents that

getting your vagina waxed when the city is fighting over water isn't a

simple matter of grabbing your husband's credit card, shit will hit the

fan. And once the husbands see what their high maintenance wives look

like when they've gone a week without trimming the hedges, there will be

violence. Doral will self-cannibalize within two weeks.


Positive Attributes: Lots of warehouse space to store armaments and supplies.

Negative Attributes: Venezuelan women without amenities make PMS seem like the reaction to a mildly-humorous knock knock joke.

Coral Gables
First

to die. Let's not even dick around, you light one of those big-ass

hammock trees on fire on a hot summer day and the whole town goes down

in flames. Most houses are old, and there's that little German village

in there. Germans might be masterful starting conflicts, but, well, you

know how it usually goes down the line. The whole neighborhood is a

little too posh and a little too lacking in strategic points to put up

any kind of fight. It'll be annexed by Overtown and the Biltmore made

the capital. Or an extravagant building to trade whores in.


Positive Attributes: The Biltmore really would make a nice whore trade headquarter.

Negative Attributes: Location in the middle of the other neighborhoods, no resources, not enough child soldiers.


Where you should move to if Palin is elected president: Kendall.

Goddamn it, Sarah Palin better not get elected.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.


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