Which Neighborhood Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami War?
Pretend for a moment that Sarah Palin is elected president. Within mere moments, the United States will revert to total chaos the likes of which the Mad Max screenwriters would've traded two, maybe three kilos of coke for a glimpse of. And we're fucking psyched. Not for Palin, no. We still maintain that she's certifiable. It's for the insane post-apocalyptic nightmare we'll have to endure. It'd be like Hurricane Andrew and Hurricane Katrina had weathersex and created a climactic spawn that rained hell upon all of Miami.
In this brave new world of hellish tribulations and dog-eat-dog mentality, it's a good idea to make sure you side with the neighborhood that stands a bigger chance of emerging victorious in the fight for resources and more reliable bandwidth for streaming porn. So which neighborhood is best suited to dominate and wrest control of Miami's precious natural resources like sawgrass and government corruption? Well, let's find out.
first ones to go, but you'd be wrong. There's no place in Thunderdome
for a bunch of doctors, lawyers, and retirees, of that we're in
agreement. However, history has clearly demonstrated that Jews are a
resilient bunch. And plus, with the clusterfuck of the Aventura Mall,
it's like Aventura residents have been practicing for a crowded
apocalypse for years.
the people's champion, it's a tough call. While Hialeah lacks the water
resource Kendall has a firm grasp on, they can drink water from those
stagnant-ass canals and it probably wouldn't hurt their intestines much.
Why? Because they're from motherfucking Hialeah. There are a ton of
residents, so manpower is a strength, but with all those people and cars
from the plentiful car dealerships, they may fall into chaos when they
start getting into car accidents and can't call Alex Hanna at 411-PAIN.
it, Kendall has it all. An airport for renegade battle choppers and
planes, access to water and game from the Everglades next door, a lot of
territory, a lot of citizens, and a reputation for being a place no one
wants to bother driving all the way to. Who the fuck wants to invade a
place they hate driving to? Even though they've got farmlands, fresh
water, and even military resources nearby people will still equate
Kendall with the useless out-of-the-way shit hole that it currently is
and not bother.
and Overtown can easily join forces and take their talents to South
Beach for some ass-whooping. Miami Beach has very little in terms of
defenses unless it happens to be Memorial Day weekend, in which case
just about every belligerent force will get shot in the face faster than
you can say Suge Knight. Other than that, dainty European ex-pats and
unfortunate tourists who couldn't leave on time don't a strong force
Coast Guard station and a port with many ships, but where are they going
to go? By that point Palin was already given the nuclear launch codes.
Best chance to take over Fisher Island and guard it like a fort.
sheer numbers could be beneficiary to this neighborhood. Worse comes to
worst, human beings can be used as projectiles against enemy
combatants. That's a nice fantasy. The reality is, high rises are
impractical as shit when there's no electricity. Sure, Brickell denizens
may have a lot of disposable income, but that means dick post-2012.
Miami will run on a gas, grass, or ass system.
Yuppies are generally smart and cutthroat enough to figure out a way to
fuck people out of something. High rises, while impractical to live in
without electricity, are decent fortresses against invading forces.
Unless they have matches.
Something tells me Space will still be open even after renegade
motorcycle gangs take over Miami. That's fucking awful, close that shit
wars could be fought with fake tits and LA Fitness memberships, Doral
would do well, but once it becomes apparent to the female residents that
getting your vagina waxed when the city is fighting over water isn't a
simple matter of grabbing your husband's credit card, shit will hit the
fan. And once the husbands see what their high maintenance wives look
like when they've gone a week without trimming the hedges, there will be
violence. Doral will self-cannibalize within two weeks.
to die. Let's not even dick around, you light one of those big-ass
hammock trees on fire on a hot summer day and the whole town goes down
in flames. Most houses are old, and there's that little German village
in there. Germans might be masterful starting conflicts, but, well, you
know how it usually goes down the line. The whole neighborhood is a
little too posh and a little too lacking in strategic points to put up
any kind of fight. It'll be annexed by Overtown and the Biltmore made
the capital. Or an extravagant building to trade whores in.
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