Everyone has their favorite place to perch on the beach. Whether you enjoy the pervy party atmosphere of 7th Street or the family vibe of 81st, you're likely very loyal to your particular stretch of sand. And which block you choose to tan your junk on says a lot about what kind of person you are.
After the jump, we've broken down Miami's popular playas into the personality types who frequent them. (That's right, we've moved on from porn into flagrant stereotyping.)
3rd Street: You Like to Surf. Or Smoke Pot. Probably Both.
Years ago, during the good days, there was "free" parking around 3rd Street during week days, so all the potheads and college students (redundant?) would go down there to drink, smoke, and watch the sexy surfers ride tiny SoBe waves. The parking situation has altered a bit, but it's still the place where freedom most reigns on the island. It's the closest thing we have to a surfin' safari, Southern California, chill ass beach day.
7th Street: You need a Wet Willies drink to walk around half naked.
This is the place on the beach where the main activity is men filming asses and catcalling women. Feeling fat and ugly? Put on just about anything, saunter over to 8th Street, and enjoy the attention. Wet Willies drinks are heavily comprised of grain alcohol, so the booze eclipses the perverts' judgement, and you can enjoy a day of compliments and suntanning.
22nd Street:You miss the drum circle days.
Who doesn't? If you're old enough to remember heading to 22nd Street to beat some drums and tambourines in the shadow of the Days Inn, you still might have some lingering nostalgia. Now that the W and the boardwalk are up, this block ain't what it used to be, but hold on to the memories hippie ravers. Hold tightly.
41st Street:You're relatively antisocial.
It's all quiet up there. The perfect place to bring your young kids and let them poke at dying jellyfish on the sand. It's not quite oldpeoplesville yet, but you're entering into a territory of naps and never-nudes. It's not that you're boring. You're just not into the crowds or hot bods.
81st Street: You have a huge Hispanic family that needs to eat grilled meat before going in the water.
The beaches in the 80s offer a park with canopied areas and is apparently called North Shore Open Space Park. There is plenty of room to roam about with a kite in hand. This is the perfect place for a low-key barbecue or a huge family affair. You're growing up!
Haulover Beach:You like to tan your twat.
There really is nothing as relaxing as stripping down entirely and letting the sun have its way with your bits and pieces. Sure, there will be plenty of stares; perverted, odd side glances; and basic oogling, but you know what? No tan lines is what living in South Florida is all about. Enjoy it, you lazy sunbathers.
Wearing a “beard” she made out of cotton balls and a manila folder, Liz Tracy once introduced herself to Rick Ross as Rick Ross. When she’s not writing articles about the Bawse or the Boss, she’s penning grants at Pérez Art Museum Miami. Liz has her master’s degree in religion from Florida State University. She taught classes on public policy at Florida International University and new media journalism at the Museum of Contemporary Art North Miami. Around 2007, Liz figured out that the internet was a wonderful place to express her unpopular opinions, so she established the websites Miami, Bro and the Heat Lightning. She has since written for publications and outlets such as Miami New Times, Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, Ocean Drive, the Huffington Post, NBC Miami, Time Out Miami, Insomniac, the Daily Dot, and the Atlantic. Liz spent three years as New Times Broward-Palm Beach’s music editor, was the weekend news editor at Inverse, and is currently the managing editor at Tom Tom Magazine. You may have seen her as the interviewer in the viral video “Butt Hole Tattoo Girl” that was featured on Real Time with Bill Maher, MTV, and Comedy Central.