Wanna Get Away? These Valentine's Day Gifts Will End Your Relationship For Sure
Look, we're gonna tell it like it is right off the bat: The best relationship-ending gift is herpes. Though it will rid you of your annoying significant other, it begins another lifelong, kinky ménage à trios between you, your pharmacist, and a science project called Valtrex™. With only mild side-effects like headaches, nausea, and abdominal pain (uh, so we're told), it sounds like less of a pain in the snatch than being in a relationship. Plus, it'll never, ever leave you.
But enough about Rihanna's parting gift to Chris Brown. Valentine's Day is around the corner, and if you're in an unhappy relationship, it's the worst time of year. But we have your solution: a quick little list of gifts all but guaranteed to start a fight of epic magnitude. You could save your money and just dump the jerk already. But if you're looking for the coward's way out, go ahead and pick up one of these "gifts" today.
Sweatin' to the oldies.
Here's a handy SAT analogy to help you understand this one. Fill in the blank.
Workout tapes : gifts :: Black Eyed Peas : ________
Just the Funny Mainstage Show
TicketsSat., May. 27, 9:00pm
Dance Through The Ages: Bright Lights, Big Cities
TicketsSun., May. 28, 11:00am
Magique - Experience The Illusion
TicketsSun., May. 28, 7:00pm
Israeli Dance Festival: Hope
TicketsSun., May. 28, 7:00pm
10th Annual Memorial Weekend Comedy Festival
TicketsSun., May. 28, 8:00pm
E) All of the above
The answer, of course, is E. Workout
tapes are among the worst gifts you can give, right down there with
Black Eyed Peas merchandise. You might as
well write your lover a letter stating, "I don't find you attractive anymore,
and by the way your breath is terrible." If you're gifting one of these,
go for the gold -- get a VHS of a D-list '90s celebrity, like,
for example, LaToya Jackson. Were you aware she had a workout tape? Better question: Was anyone in the Jackson family aware she had a workout tape?
your partner anything related to fitness is tricky, unless
they've expressed an interest in the past. An example of this
phenomenon is Crossfit membership. If they've posted any status updates
about how they're dying to try this hot new fad that no one seems to shut the
fuck up about on Facebook, a Crossfit membership will be taken as a token of love, not disgust. But an aerobics video starring the mom from Step by Step? That's the ticket.
cards are stupid gifts in general. They have all the flexibility of
store credit, and all the drawbacks of knowing some asshole put you
through the misery of forcing you to shop at a specific store rather
than giving you workable currency and saying, "Here, buy something you actually want." Here's
something you'll never hear at Starbucks if you're paying with cash: "Sorry sir, we can't accept that because it's a Circuit City gift
card and that company went bankrupt years ago."
To add insult to injury, give your un-beloved a gift card to a store they probably wouldn't even like
because you were too indecisive to pick something out. It's not in the
deposition, but we're willing to bet Lorena Bobbitt sliced off her husband's cock because he got her a gift card to Things
Remembered. And then she gave him a thing to remember her by.Next Page
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.