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Valentine's Day Packages You Can't Afford

This couple looks happy because they're in love and filthy rich.
This couple looks happy because they're in love and filthy rich.
Photo courtesy of Ritz-Carlton Miami Beach

Valentine's Day is a mere days away, and what better way than to say "I love you" than by spending crazy amounts of your hard earned cash on extravagant gestures that will top whatever the Real Housewives of Miami can dream of?

What ever happened to the days of handmade cards and home-cooked meals? At some point, we decided outlandish was in and candid romance was out. People seem to favor over the top, and so much so, that some of Miami's most alluring hotels are planning entire packages at exorbitant prices.

In case you're one of those people for which money is no object, one of these might just be the way to you sweetheart's, well, heart.

See also: Free Events This Week: Bikini Jazz, Big Wedding Bash, and Celeb Match-Up

$100,000 Dazzle You in Diamonds package at The Ritz-Carlton South Beach

You know what they say - diamonds are a girl's best friend. In honor of their 10th anniversary, The Ritz-Carlton on South Beach is sharing the love with their special package, which starts Valentine's Day and goes on for the remainder of the year. It all starts with a private pickup at the airport in an S Class Mercedes (because, duh) and chauffeur for 24 hours. A one-night stay in an oceanfront suite and separate private poolside cabana awaits you at check-in. The poolside cabana bed is where you'll have your dinner, privately catered by chef de cuisine Gihen Zitouni, along with a bottle of Cristal Champagne for a proper toast to love. For dessert, you'll get a little bling bling - a set of 15.4-carat diamond hoop earrings for her and 4.34-carat, round pave, white diamond cuff links for him by Duchamp (the resorts in-house jeweler). Then, the dance floor is all yours. No really, it's all yours - 10,000 square feet of it, along with a private DJ to get your groove on. Your night ends in your room (as it ought to) with a signature bling red turndown service and 100 red roses. Upon checkout, relax with two 110-minute diamond dust infused facials. It will leave you looking like a million bucks, and dead broke.

For $55,000 this could be yours for three-nights
For $55,000 this could be yours for three-nights
The W

$55,000 Turn the Lights Down Low at the W

If you want to make your weekend special from the moment you set foot in the Magic City, then begin with helicopter transportation. For those who purchase the W's "Turn the Lights Down Low" package, it includes a round trip helicopter ride to and from MIA International and Miami Beach's Watson Island helipad. For three nights your home will be a two-bedroom penthouse suite that includes a Japanese soaking tub, gourmet kitchen, and private terrace. But you won't be doing any cooking in your gourmet kitchen because you'll have a private seaplane and yacht dinner escape to attend. That entails car service to a private seaplane base for a tour of South Florida's coastline while sipping on Dom Perignon, followed by a four-hour sunset cruise and five-course dinner aboard a 120-foot yacht. To digest your food, a night sky helicopter tour is in order. If any of you guys are thinking of the most expensive and extravagant way to propose, look no further than this package. You'll have the rest of the weekend to gloat while you enjoy your private poolside cabana at WET. You also get a Ferrari car loaner for the weekend to cruise down Ocean Drive, and several spa treatments, including a couple's massage on the private penthouse rooftop terrace. Even Andrew Carmellini will congratulate you through a in-room, three-course aphrodisiac candlelight dinner that includes a double grand raw bar plateau topped with loads of caviar. Welcome to the good life.

Valentine's Day Packages You Can't Afford
The Gale

$10,000 at the Gale

Because boutique hotels realize everyone doesn't have $100,000 just lying around, they are a little more flexible. For just $10,000, you and your honey will take over the set for the hotel's soon-to-be-released independent film for the weekend. A 10-course, in-room romantic dinner will be served allowing you to indulge in all your biggest cravings, followed by a rose petal turnover. Enjoy a helicopter ride over the beach, and a table and bottle of champagne on the art deco hotel's roof. For a late night snack and some midnight loving, a heart-shaped pizza pie will say "I love you." Now, that's amore.

Rooftop Oasis
Rooftop Oasis
Mayfair Hotel & Spa

Miami Vices at the Mayfair Hotel & Spa (Priced between $1,000- $2,000)

In honor of the 30th anniversary of the popular Miami-based show Miami Vice, The Mayfair Hotel and Spa (also celebrating their 30th anniversary) have developed packages based on the sexy lyrics of some of the show's most popular tunes - and at way more reasonable and attainable price points for all of us poor schmucks. Choose from "Jump for My Love" by the Pointer Sisters, "Flesh for Fantasy" by Billy Idol or Shannon's "Do You Wanna Get Away?".

Adventurous couples who want to explore new heights in their relationship should go for the "Jump for my Love," and by that we mean falling through the skies together in a tandem skydiving session. Couples who skydive together, stay together. This also includes a two night stay in their Parlor Suite with an in-suite roman tub and a 60-minute couples massage to recover from all that free falling.

Face to face, and back to back, you see and feel, my sex attack. Turn out the light babe, are you someone else tonight? These are the verses of "Flesh for Fantasy" that inspired this package, which includes a tantric touch connectedness session and a sexy yoga, private in-room class. Couples will learn techniques to increase your ability to create intimacy in your relationships, revive lost passion, enhance meditation practice, and expand awareness. Discover new ways of connecting through movement, breath and sound. Two nights stay in the Presidential Suite with champagne upon arrival and a Japanese soaking tub for two are also included, and a tangerine mimosa massage.

Do You Wanna Get Away? Shannon's lyrics inspired a package full of surprises. Indulge in a Nocturne Fantasy Room two-night stay. You and your other half take a questionnaire, and the room is customized specifically to your answers. It's a pleasure-paradigm, sensual retreat where you'll learn techniques to heighten awareness, passion, and sensuality. To fnish, a private boudoir photo session will surely bring sexy back. This includes a pre-session consultation with professional photographer, professional hair styling and makeup, a handcrafted designer coffee table album, final retouched images and a DVD containing final products, so you can remember that awesome Valentine's Day forever.

Mayfair Packages are priced accordingly, starting from $1,150- $1,870. They also run all the way through June 1, in case you need to fill your piggy bank a little longer.

Or, y'know, there's always flowers and candy hearts.

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