User's Guide to Fake Girlfriends

As everyone knows, if a guy stays single or sexless long enough, his virginity will grow back--usually thicker and darker than before. However, regular sex that doesn't require pre-numbing your dominant hand shouldn't be the only reason to acquire a girlfriend. Girlfriends provide many benefits including love, faithful companionship, and finally getting your mom off your back.

But what if you're ungirlfriendable? Should you accept your place in the pecking order and relegate yourself to a life of solitude? Must you become the sad sack of man pitied by his friends and amassing a collection of cats only rivaled by the Humane Society or a North Korean street vendor?

Absolutely not. We'll learn how to get a fake girlfriend using the same tried-and-true technique you would use to get a real one, lying!



The Canadian Girlfriend Technique

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Invented in middle school, the Canadian Girlfriend Technique goes by many variants. Known as the she-just-moved-to-Michigan approach or the you-don't-know-her-she-goes-to-another-school excuse, the idea is basically the same.

To pull off this gambit all you have to do is tell people you've got a girl and make up an excuse as to why she can't hang out with the group. But in this digital age of cell phones and Facebook, you've gotta step things up a notch.

Making a fake profile is easy enough, but just putting some bullshit photo you found on MySpace (yeah, it has to be from a source no one would ever find) won't cut it. It won't take long for your buddies to start friend requesting her. Sure you can toy with the privacy settings all you want, but the savviest of friends will start to notice a barren wall which signals a red flag. Saying "she doesn't have a Facebook" is simply a fancy way of admitting she doesn't exist.

Our personal choice is to just pick some random hot chick friend-of-a-friend with airtight privacy settings who won't accept anyone anyway and say, "she gets friend requests all the time and she doesn't know you, so it's probably just lost in the ranks."

"Hey guys, meet my new girlfriend."
"Hey guys, meet my new girlfriend."

Once you've got the Facebook situation sorted out, it's time to tackle the cell phone. Oh, what's that, Internet, you already figured this shit out for us? Fakegirlfriend.co went ahead and made a service for all the forever alones out there to fool everyone else into thinking someone loves them. Here's how it works: You save the phone number in your phone under a fake contact, text the number, and within a few minutes you'll receive a girlfriend-esque string of text messages or fake phone calls.

After it's all set up, you can receive fake messages from your fake girlfriend every time you're with your friends. For added effect, place your phone face-up on a table so when it buzzes everyone can read the text message and be impressed with how she misses you, xoxoxo.

Not all relationships are solid, so you've got to add in a little bit of drama.

 

Fighting with Your Fake Girlfriend in Public

Abraham Lincoln said, "The fear of conflict with my wife exceeded that of the impending North-South war."

OK, he didn't actually say that shit, but he might as well have. Guys don't like fighting with their girlfriends, but it happens to everyone, so you've gotta to be able to sell it to your friends if you want a believable, fake relationship.

The key is to be mopey and pissed during your next outing. It's pretty easy, just think of the fact that you're lonely and depraved enough to concoct this plan in the first place and it'll get you in the right mindset. Make up a story about what the fight is about, but it's of utmost importance that it's a completely stupid reason.

Maybe she's mad at you because that tone you used in a text message. Or maybe it's because of something you did in her dream. It doesn't matter, just make sure it's stupid or anyone in a real relationship will see right through the bullshit on account of them knowing full well that all fights are about asinine drivel.

After they're aware of the stupid reason, have a loud phone conversation with your fake girlfriend by excusing yourself from the room and pretending to hash things out with her over the phone. When you're done, reenter the room in a huff and puff or leave altogether. That part is up to you.

NOTE: Make sure you silence your phone when you do this. Your entire plan can and will fall apart if you receive a phone call--probably your mom asking why you're still single--while pretending to be on the phone.

Breaking Up

By this point, your friends already believe you have what it takes to get yourself a girlfriend, so you're decidedly less lame. Other women, by the principle of "he's got a girl, thus I now want to fuck him" will find you more attractive. The goal now is to go through a bad breakup so your friends will be more inclined to help you find rebound sex. This is actually remarkably simple.

Step 1. Change your Facebook status to single.
Step 2. Post cryptic status updates and/or truncated song lyrics to emo bullshit like Dashboard Confessional. You don't want to be direct, you want people to notice your cry for help and ask what's wrong.
Step 3. Post pictures or quotes you get from Tumblr. Tweens love nothing more than updating their Tumblrs when they've been dumped, so it's easy to find many of these by just doing a tag search for "broken heart".
Step 4. Ignore your friends for a couple of days.
Step 5. Post a positive status update about the importance of moving forward. At this point you'll answer questions about the breakup by stating "she cheated on me." Infidelity garners sympathy.

From this point on, you're single and with a new outlook on life. If you played your cards right, it should lead to something a bit more, uh, tangible. If not, there's always the alternative.

Alternative: Get a RealDoll

This is what "rock bottom" looks like.
This is what "rock bottom" looks like.
Realdoll.com

A RealDoll is what you get when a

man with a vision, determination, and perverse sense of jealousy over

women's wide array of masturbatory choices is given a bank loan. For men

not content with their Fleshlight and want sort of a

full-on relationship masturbation, the RealDoll is their ticket to

creepyville.

You're thinking, "wait, relationship masturbation? Don't

these guys just bang these dolls?" RealDoll customers generally take it a

bit far. They'll dress them up, have dates with them, and sometimes even wedding

ceremonies. This fake girlfriend technique was prominently displayed in

the film Lars and the Real Girl and will probably never be on

the big screen again because what the fuck. The condition is known as

agalmatophilia, and while you may not have it, perhaps this is a route

you can consider? After all, you'll never have a fight with this

girlfriend Unless you recreate that in your fantasy, in which case,

wow.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.


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