Donald Trump has a lot on his plate these days: running hotels, condo buildings, and casinos around the world; throwing yearly international beauty pageants; campaigning for presidential election. And don't forget the most daunting task of his billion-dollar empire: keeping his hair in place.
Now he wants to be in pictures. Well, sort of. The money mogul-turned reality C-list celebrity recently proposed his newest business endeavor to County Mayor Carlos Gimenez: turning 800 acres of prime Homestead real estate into a film studio.
We're all for developing South Florida's film industry, but we had to wonder: What kinds of movies and TV shows would Donald Trump support? Trump's people never got back to us with their answer, so we were forced to dream up some hypotheticals ourselves.
SPOILER ALERT: Se habla espanol.
The contestant who pulled off this garbage was obviously eliminated.
Move over Bear Grylls. No one knows how to handle Mother Nature like Big Daddy Trump.
Environmental show: Trump vs. Wild
There were a couple episodes of Man vs. Wild where Bear Grylls had to drink his own pee to survive. In Trump vs. Wild, The Donald's out to prove he's every bit as much man as Grylls, so he does the same -- except he's a little classier about it. Trump's go-to wildlife-pack would include a golden urine chalice, as well as a jump suit from his own fashion line with built-in parachute screen-printed with a giant image of his own face.
The chalice, jumpsuit, and parachute are all D. Trump needs in the wild. After all, when he got to NYC, they told him, "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."
Male beauty pageant show: Mr. America
Beauty pageants for women are all about increasing girls' self-esteem. Just ask Trump.
Men totally need that extra skip in their step too. Sometimes, they're more self conscious about their appearances than woman are. Trump, owner of perhaps the most discussed head of hair in the world, really understands this phenomenon.
That scrutiny is at its peak when you're running for the most powerful political office in the U.S. So presidential runners-up could probably use the Mr. America treatment. This political pageant could feature current politicians, who'd show off their campaign platforms along with their swimsuit-clad bodies and, of course, a talent act. When it comes down to Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, and John McCain, the tie-breaker will be their ballroom number. Who will be the next Mr. America?
News show: Birthdateline
Like every true crime news broadcast show, Birthdateline only focuses on the important issues. Like, finding Obama's real birth certificate proving he was born in Kenya or somewhere. And, well, only that. This regular 60-minute news segment reports on nothing else. There's no evidence to report on, you say? Please, facts haven't been relevant in news broadcasting since 1996. Plus, Tea Partiers will make Birthdateline the second most watched production at Trump Studios -- the first being Trump's Sesame Street-esque kid-friendly finance spin off, Money Avenue.
Spanish Novela: Mi Vida Sin Dinero (my life without money)
Every novela is a sad, sad story, usually about star-crossed lovers, an extra lover or two on the side, an overprotective mother, and a wealthy father. Trump himself stars in Mi Vida Sin Dinero, the story of his character, Donaldo, falling in love with a woman of petty means. They meet every night in the same spot until one day Donaldo finds out his impoverished woman has left him for a New York City naked guitar man. Dramatic music plays endlessly as the men confront one another. Turns out the poor woman wasn't so poor at all; she had enough to hire a lawyer and sue Donaldo for everything he was worth... leaving him sin dinero.