Total Sex Tape Mania with Heidi Montag, Fantasia Barrino, and Montana Fishburne
The sex tape is nothing new in the Hollywood hills. The real queen of the small screen has to be Pam Anderson. There were probably some before her, but who cares? Then of course we have princesses Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, who have made entire empires off being hoochie mammas on film.
For a while, the words sex and tape had been keeping a good distance away from each other. Then, out of nowhere, some type of slut bomb goes off and they just can't seem to keep away from each other. Just in case you have been a good American and not keeping up with the latest worthless celebrity making homemade films, let us catch you up on their recent sexcapades:Heidi Montag:
Who didn't see this coming? The girl is a hot mess and that boy of hers, Spencer, makes The Situation look moderately tolerable (which is a hard thing to do.) And just when you think they are the biggest douche bags in the world, they some how out douche themselves. Tits McGee, we mean Heidi, is rumored to be in a sex tape. And not just a normal sex tape with that boring girl-on guy action--apparently, she stepped it up and hooked up with a lady friend. The more-than-likely-totally-staged video allegedly stars Heidi and Playboy's Karissa Shannon (a fellow bleach blond bimbo). It may be a publicity stunt but isn't great to know the next time you disappoint your parents, you can throw it in their face, "Hey! At least I'm not Heidi Montag."Montana Fishburne:
Many of us saw theMatrix
trilogy and thought, "Laurence Fishburne- what a badass." Badass yes, tip top father? Probably not. We're not going to say he isn't an awesome guy, but can we agree that if your daughter ends up in porn then she probably has daddy issues? Morpheus probably didn't know it, but he sent his daughter down the wrong path even before she was born--when he named her Montana. Those not familiar with stripper names won't know that Montana is right up there with Babydoll, Candy and Diamond. Montana just sounds like a name belonging to someone who owns clear heels and has spent quality time on the pole. Our Montana's descent into sex tape mania started in 2009 whe she was arrested for prostitution. Your dad is a huge A List celebrity bitch. What are you doing? It all came to a head (pun intended) when she took off her panties, laid on her back and let some random dude named "Chippy D" give her the "D." And, of course, because her name sucks - they put it on the DVD. Who ever heard of using their real name in porn? Everyone knows you give them a fake name till they ask for ID.
Fantasia Barrino: Remember Fantasia? She won American Idol when people still cared about it. First it came out that she couldn't read. Then a few years later we all got the memo that she was broke (Yeah, who isn't?) Then out of nowhere, our sweet little chocolate songbird learned the real meaning of baby mama drama. Fantasia made the first fatal mistake when she hooked up with a married man. Ok. So that man is fine, but if you're going to bang a man with a wifey and kids at home--keep it off your twitter. When Barrino's man's wife got a hold of all of this, she went straight to court, with sex tape in hand, and filed for divorce. Not that the judge couldn't have surfed over to any social networking site and checked out the couple in love for himself. Nothing like a little XXX entertainment to spice up a boring day in the courtroom. Fantasia, stick to singing. The big or small screen is just not for you.
You're a Good Man Charlie Brown: Young Professionals
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 2:00pm
Miami Curves Week Presents: Curves & Comedy
TicketsFri., Jul. 21, 9:00pm
TicketsSat., Aug. 5, 8:00pm
TicketsWed., Oct. 11, 6:30pm
Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Tour
TicketsFri., Dec. 29, 8:00pm
Danielle Staub: We hate to talk about her so much-- but let's be real, we can't help it. Danielle is such a newsworthy train wreck, she makes Paris Hilton look sober. Crazy, we mean Danielle, isn't new to the whole sex tape game. Right after season one a bunch of less than flattering nude photos were released by her ex-boyfriend (about 20 years her junior, can you say "cougar") A word of advice: if your boobs look they were done in alleyway in Tijuana, you maybe should keep them between you and your partner? Then, last week on the Housewives season finale, the news broke that a second video was released. Did she not learn her lesson the first time round? Guess not. In the words of her cast mates, she is a serious prostitution whore. Well, a fired one at that. I guess she failed at her sex tape and the Housewives. We hope that whole music career works out.
Brandon Spikes: Rarely do boys get sex tapes released. Usually, it's the ladies just trying to make it big or pay the water bill. But this week, Mr. Brandon Spikes is taking one for the team. The ex-Florida Gator, now New England Patriot, is shown getting some "mouth love" by a hot brunette and due to the poor videography we can only assume it was filmed on his MAC book. And honestly, we couldn't be more proud of him. From the lady population, thanks for taking pressure off us. A lot of people are saying it's getting press because it is a race issue-- but we don't agree. We're just assuming the Patriots are pretty psyched the team is getting press, any press at that, that doesn't have the words "Tom Brady" or "Suck" in it. OK, maybe not the second one...
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.