Top 5 Morons of the Week
Hurricane season has come and gone. But in South Florida, it rains morons all year long. Let's take a look at the awe-inducing numbskulls who turned our region into the short-bus of the nation this week.
1. The Alleged Teenage Horse Killers
Hey, we have no doubt that a year ago, brutally killing pet horses and selling their meat on the black-market was a swell racket. But when reporters in Sweden are writing about the Florida horse slaughter and there's a $12,000 bounty on your head, it may be time to put away the Mr. Ed-stained machete for a few months.
Not only are the police going to assign more man-hours to the case, but when you get caught, the jury and judge are going to throw the book at you. Notice how you're being held without bond? Ever heard of an animal-abuse defendant, besides Michael Vick, not being granted bail? Not to mention that you clearly stole Owen Wilson's nose -- how'd you plan to get away with that?
Dance Through The Ages: Bright Lights, Big Cities
TicketsSun., May. 28, 11:00am
Magique - Experience The Illusion
TicketsSun., May. 28, 7:00pm
Israeli Dance Festival: Hope
TicketsSun., May. 28, 7:00pm
10th Annual Memorial Weekend Comedy Festival
TicketsSun., May. 28, 8:00pm
Young Contemporary Dance Theatre
TicketsSat., Jun. 3, 6:00pm
2. The Old Man Who Slipped in His House and Shot Himself With a Shotgun
So maybe it's bad karma to mock a 77-year-old dude for nearly killing himself. But come on, this is Florida; who here doesn't know the proper way to take a shower while holding a shotgun? Besides, he's expected to live.
3. Barrian Moore
We're not surprised that that this 17-year-old kid brought a semi-automatic handgun to class. That sort of thing is getting to be pretty normal in Miami-Dade schools these days. No, what really shocks and dismays us is that detectives, on the prowl to arrest "B-Moe" on a juvenile warrant, found the baby perp sitting in class at 7:45 in the morning.
Dude, you have outstanding warrants and are carrying a street-bought handgun -- but you're still waking up at 6 a.m. and getting on the school bus? You'll be a felon but not a truant? Get your rule-breaking priorities straight. Judging from your MySpace page, you idolize "goon" rapper Plies. You think that guy ever went to school?
4. Joshua LaRose
The 28-year-old Rose wanted to enter the mayor of Miami Beach race, but he bounced a $1,360 entrance-fee check and was disqualified from running. The best part: he claims to be a millionaire. So either Rose is incompetent or he's a liar. Unfortunately for him, you have to be both to make it in politics in these parts.
5. Phil "I'm trying to find my glasses!" Kaufold
Not for a lack of hometown product, but we're going to cherry-pick a glorious moron from Broward County here. This winner tried to block reporters from filming disgraced Broward School Board member Beverly Gallagher as she left a courthouse, facing corruption charges. His heroic strategy: pretend that he lost his glasses on a flight of stairs, using his sizable rump as a impassable barrier.
And to think that Kaufold might have been remembered only as an anonymous imbecile if our sister paper's esteemed Bob Norman hadn't recognized him as an employee of the School Board and the baby daddy of Gallagher's daughter (I'm telling you, it's Jerry Springer country up there). You don't have to care about politics to enjoy this video of a grown man acting like an infant.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.