Too Many White People and Other Reasons to Avoid a Soap Opera Cruise
The holidays are the best, aren't they? Think about all those days off from work. After New Years, though, they force you to go back and act like you haven't just been on a work-free vacation. Just when MLK Day comes around, it gives you that little pick me up from your depression of being back on the grind. After that, though, you really don't have much to look forward to 'till Memorial Day.
If you're looking to plan a little vacay to get you through till Easter, here's one thing you definitely shouldn't put on your calendar during January 2011: the Soap Cruise Fourth Voyage. Huh? What the what? In PR language, it's a "four-day, once in a lifetime vacation in paradise with your favorite soap stars." They mention "huge names" like Brandon Barash & Bradford Anderson. Yeah, definitley not ringing a bell. For us regular folk, that translates to a slow boat to hell. Here are five reasons why this Miami-launched cruise is officially the hottest mess ever:5. Three Words: Middle Aged Women:
Oh, yes. These women aren't normal
for many a reason. First off, they love shit like soap operas. Have you
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ever taken a moment to watch General Hospital? It's like being forced to
watch Glitter over and over again. Let's not even forget the
menopause phenomenon. You know they have already requested the
temperature be kept at a cool -7 degrees. Knowing this bunch, there are
going to be so many cougars on this boat, it's going to look like the
There Will Be Soap Opera Stars There: Do you really want to spend the weekend
with 16 actors that never made it in Hollywood and are more than likely
bitter as fuck just to be a on soap in the beginning and now they have
to be on a cruise with their peers? There is a very good possibility,
after 24 hours, at least one of these actors is going to jump off the
boat. You don't want to be a part of that, right? Sure, Bold and the Beautiful's Brandon Beemer has great eyes but we don't want to be stuck on a boat with him as as wonders what went wrong in his life.3. Too Many
White People: Too many white people in one area isn't a good thing. Tea
Party rallies, anyone? There is a reason that there is a book called,
"Stuff White People Like," because they like dumb shit AKA this cruise.
This boat is going to look like one giant sugar cookie. Expect fanny packs, Pinot Grigio at 9 a.m., and matching khaki outfits with polo shirts.
2. Tickets cost $925
OK, do we really need to elaborate? It's going to
cost you about a $1,000 of your hard earned money to go on this crazy
ass journey. We have one suggestion of what to do with the cash instead of
this cruise: Plan your own D-list-free vacation.1.
Does Anyone Actually Like Cruising? It's kind of like a prison when you
think about it. You get on and are only allowed off when they say you
can. Spring break cruises are fun. Large boats are fun. But a giant
moving vessel where you have no choice but to sit and interact with a
bunch of people you don't know--well, no wonder drinks are $10 a piece.
They know you're going to want to be wasted the whole time and will pay
outrageous prices to do so.
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