Tila Tequila and Nine Other Crazy, Naked, or Criminal Moments in Juggalo History

Maybe you've been lucky and you've never come face-to-face with a Juggalo or Juggalette in full grip of a homicidal sugar rush. Don't fool yourself, though, they're out there, guzzling gallons of Faygo, hoarding unholy amounts of candy, flashing their floppy titties, touching up their scary mugs, and plotting crazy evil shit.

Back in the late '90s, "Juggalo" cropped up as a nickname for the fans of Insane Clown Posse. But over the course of the last decade, these hardcore makeup enthusiasts have expanded into all kinds of antisocial activities including murder, beauty pageants, burglary, porn, and the throwing of human poop at Tila Tequila.

Check the cut for ten crazy, naked, criminal moments in Juggalo history.

Video via 12seconds.tv

10. The Tequila Incident

A couple of weeks ago at the 11th annual Gathering of the Juggalos, a rabid mob of face-painted freaks attacked Tila Tequila, hurling firecrackers, feces, full cans of Faygo, bricks, and broken bottles at her face.

Now ... Why were the Juggalos so pissed off? Someone ate all the pizza. And why the fuck was Tila Tequila there? She was scheduled to "sing" alongside such notable acts as ICP, Psychopathic Rydas, and Vanilla Ice.

Anyway, in an effort to appease the crowd of raging clowns, Tila did the only logical thing ... She stripped, flashing her tiny titties in a sign of surrender. (Apparently, there were no white flags immediately available.) However, this tactic didn't work and the Juggalos' insane-o-meter rocketed to 11 as they chased Tila to her trailer, smashing windows and screaming shit like "Fuck chickens! Fuck ducks! Everybody in your crew sucks!"

Scott Stapley and his Juggalo buddy are both ax aficionados.
Scott Stapley and his Juggalo buddy are both ax aficionados.

9. Juggalo Ax Attack

In July 2008, a pair of Juggalos from Salt Lake City, Utah, chopped a teenage kid in the neck with a medieval battle ax. The motive: Clown #1 was pissed because his girlfriend had been texting and sexting with the victim. He was also 111-percent positive that the STD he got from his Jugglette originally came from this particular guy. Meanwhile, Clown #2 got involved 'cause he was ... uh ... bored?

Following the ax attack and a few more like it, the good people of the Beehive State said "Screw this crap!" and called a conference where they officially outed the Juggalos as a gang. There are an estimated 4000 Juggalos in Utah. Someone please start counting the axes.

8. Clowns of the Wild Frontier

Unlike aggravated assault and almost hacking someone's head off, it's not actually illegal to make a monumentally shitty movie. In a perfect world, though, all sane members of the human race would immediately band together to create a law against the kind of brain rape perpetrated by Insane Clown Posse's new western, Big Money Rustlas.

Here's a synopsis: Back in Wild West times, a cowboy clown named Sugar Wolf (Shaggy 2 Dope) returns to his hometown, Mud Bug, after years away. The place has gone to shit. It's being ruled by a dictatorial clown crime boss Big Baby Chips (Violent J) and his henchmen Raw Stank and Dusty Poot. This ain't right, motherfucker! So Sugar Wolf names himself Sheriff and bitchslaps Mud Bug back to peace. Oh yeah, Bridget the Midget bakes a pie, junkie-slash-actor Jason Mewes (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) gets wacky, Ron Jeremy collects a paycheck ...

OK, enough. Are you barfing yet?

Juggalos vs. Kangaroos: A blood feud in the Outback!
Juggalos vs. Kangaroos: A blood feud in the Outback!
Kangaroo photo by Quartl

7. Juggalos Down Under

As if time-traveling to an Old West town from the 1830s wasn't totally fucking ridiculous enough, the Juggalos decided to swim across the Pacific Ocean, spreading America's dumbest subculture to Australia.

Earlier this month, the Daily Telegraph reported: "A notorious American youth gang known for its violent street crime and penchant for wearing clown make-up as a disguise has hit Sydney ... Three men wearing the Juggalos' trademark clown make-up attempted to rob a woman outside Fairfield RSL Club and were captured on CCTV footage wearing their 'disguise.'"

P.S. Cute Aussie error of the day: "Juggaloos."

Juggalette beauty contestant Ceara probes for soda.
Juggalette beauty contestant Ceara probes for soda.

6. Crowning Miss Juggalette

Every year at the Gathering of the Juggalos, a Queen of the Juggalettes is crowned. Plucked from the multitudes of young, lithe, virginal creatures who aspire to such things, she is soft, beautiful, and pure.

Just joking ... The annual Miss Juggalette Pageant is kinda like a perp walk for roughneck prostitutes. Some hot, most not ... The talent portion of the competition often consists of cramming a microphone into your vagina or publicly proving your prowess as a female ejaculator.

Meanwhile, there are yearlong, ongoing Juggalette beauty contests on MySpace and Facebook. These ones are way less hardcore. You might even say they are "adorable."



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