Three Reasons Why Watching Sports Is for Stupids

Organized sports are bigger than ever. This is amazing, considering watching sports is a bigger waste of time than a bowel movement resulting in a Casio. Yes, the actual experience of swallowing, digesting, and excreting a digital wristwatch, has more life-enriching potential than watching the "big" game, which often is worse for you colon also.

Sports fans say "you just don't get it", but we hear "stop making me think about something that isn't a ball thrower's inflamed rotator cuff!" To put it in terms even the biggest jock can understand, we'll try to explain as nicely as possible three reasons why religiously following sports is for stupids. Dumb, idioty, stupids.

3. Sports is entertainment

Sure, sports is to jocks  what videogames are to nerds or reality TV is

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to boring people. The difference is that while gamers digitally murder

civilizations, they are also developing quicker reflexes (to better

decide which of the 17 Mountain Dew flavors is least painful to chug).

And the high-and-mighty home viewer might accidentally gain some

perspective while wallowing in the shame of America's Hoardiest

Unknowingly-Pregnant Lawnmower Moguls: All-Star Reunion.

But with sports

you just get... more sports. Sports is subtle and complex in infinite,

insignificant ways. Any rare insight fumbled out of a commentator's

mouth will only amount to: "Try hard until your knees explode."

I think sports, therefore I am stupid.
I think sports, therefore I am stupid.
The International I Hate Sports Club

2. Sports is athleticism

It was. Now athletes who are good at a game they love become win-bots,

programmed for a specific set of actions based on their physical

characteristics until there's a more efficient model. Or scrapped for

juicing WD-40. Some athletes may indeed love the game, but the owners

and obese-feline businessmen who gain fortunes from a champion team love

it more. They don't just love the game, they're making love to the

game, from behind, without permission.

1.Sports is important IRL

Having pride as a city is great. Having pride based on sports is like

being bragging about an anthill in your backyard ("Queen got a badonk!)".

Players are only in the city because they got a job there, based on how

well they can do a thing, and the zeros in a franchise's bank account.

Before you superfans choke on the variety of death-hastening fried foods

associated with your games, realize this is for your own good! If you

really liked football that much you'd be playing it. Not in the NFL, but

in a local league or weekends at the park, or by shoving those smaller

than you into furniture.

What you really like is watching other people

do stuff, stuff that never changes, over and over. In a world of daily

breakthroughs and unlimited choices, you're excited to be lazy about

something exciting. The only sports management fantasies should involve

pretending you're the coach and sexually blackmailing the

cheerleaders/players.

-- Daniel Reskin

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.


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