In the midst of the crummiest Christmas of his life, Joe, the protagonist of Teatro Avante's latest production, It's a Fabulous Life, becomes something of a queer Jimmy Stewart. In his depths Joe asks the ultimate despairing-diva question: "What if I had never been born -- gay?" The question sparks a string of events that make our sweatered protagonist see his life from a so-called "straight" perspective. We don't really know what happens, but we'll bet you a burger that at least one performer's naked bubble butt will get some time onstage (and we suspect it won't be Maryel Epps's booty either). It's festive gay holiday theater with appearances by Epps and SoBe party boy Edison Farrow. The play opens at 8:00 p.m. at Teatro Avante, 235 Alcazar Ave., Coral Gables. Admission is $30. Call 305-609-4763. (JCR)
"Sometimes virtuosity is a fig leaf hiding the lack of emotion," says accordionist Daniel Mille. "I can't allow myself virtuosity." So Mille reveals himself, musically speaking. Instead of squeezing in a flurry of notes from his accordion to wow audiences, Mille and his trio prefer getting to the heart of matters. Perhaps this is why he calls his instrument a "box of shivers." He says he'll use only five well-placed notes for intensity. A student of the great composers of tango, including Astor Piazzolla and Toninho Horta, Mille takes pride in bringing out the nuances of good compositions while being expressive enough to rile up his audiences. He appears with guitarist/pianist Jean-Francois Maillard and drummer Pascal Rey at 8:00 p.m. at Miami Dade College Wolfson Auditorium, 300 NE Second Ave. Tickets cost $20. Call 305-859-8760. (JCR)
Flower power and love-ins, pre-AIDS fornication, and good cheap drugs. It seems the further we get away from the 1960s revolution, the better the era gets. According to the press release for the '60s Spirit of Woodstock Music Festival, "the '60s was an era where everyone felt that love and music could save the world." Would that "everyone" include, say, Charles Manson? Hmm. Anyway, the festival will be a modern take on the heady counterculture days with performances by the Bluescasters, Latitude 27, Dharma Bomb, Coffee House Gypsies, and Iko Iko. But just for the record, the '60s were not all that great: The hippies soon became Reaganites, who then spawned Bush-loving poop-heads. The concert starts at 6:00 p.m. at the Ocean Terrace Bandshell, 73rd Street and Collins Avenue, Miami Beach. Admission is ten dollars. Call 305-538-2803. (JCR)
"If I were a rich man ..." "Sunrise, sunset." That's about the extent of the lyrics we can recite from the musical Fiddler on the Roof. We do know there is a movie version we can rent, so we can get through the Miami Jewish Film Festival's presentation of Sing-A-Long Fiddler on the Roof without looking too culturally illiterate. We can't grow a beard for the costume contest, however, but maybe you can. And don't forget to don a jaunty hat for that turn-of-the-century Ukrainian milkman look. The film begins at 2:00 p.m. at the Sunrise Intracoastal Cinema, 3701 NE 163rd St., North Miami Beach. Tickets cost ten dollars. Call 305-576-4030. (NK)
Before Michael Jackson, there was Wayne Newton, arguably the first transgendered performer to make it big in mainstream American culture. Now we're not saying the "King of Las Vegas" ever performed in a sequined gown and heels, but he sure sounded like a girl. And when he first appeared you would have thought he was the original k.d. lang. So we give big historical props to the "Danke Schoen" warbler on behalf of transgendered citizens everywhere. Newton and drag queen icons Steve and Eydie (Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme) will be bringing down the house in a truly fabulous style in Wayne Newton's Home for the Holidays at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts, 201 SW Fifth Ave., Fort Lauderdale. The show starts at 7:30 p.m. Tickets range from $29 to $65. Call 954-462-0222. (JCR)
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One person we'd hate to be: Hillary Clinton. How she wakes up on a daily basis and doesn't want to stick a gun in her mouth every few hours is beyond us. The witch who ruined the possibility of universal healthcare, who made cookie-baking housewives feel like shit about being cookie-baking housewives, who stood by her man when she should have given him a swift kick in the ass. Oh, and she's a lawyer too! Those are just a few of the horrible things people say about her. Maybe the way she gets through life is to have a damn good set of earplugs and not listen to a word people say about anything. However she does it, she's tuned out the nasty din enough to cough up a book, Living History, a memoir of her rollercoaster life with Bill. We're sure she's covered every peccadillo. Not! At 4:00 p.m. Hill will come to Books & Books (265 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables) to sign some copies. Of course, you must pick up a special voucher and buy yours there or you're screwed. Call 305-442-4408. (NK)
Okay, Charles Dickens or whatever dust is left of him is spinning in his grave. Why? Maybe because new nonprofit theater company Fresco Productions has come up with A Cuban Christmas Carol. Yes, a Spanglish twist on the holiday classic! If Christmas Eve is now recast as noche buena, does that mean a Fidel Castro-like figure will be put in the role of curmudgeonly Ebenezer Scrooge? Aye dios! Do olive drab fatigues rate as fashion in Victorian England? Well, if that's the case, we sure hope that the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future are played by guys imitating Kruschev, Dubya, and Raul Castro. The show begins tonight at 8:00 and runs through Sunday, January 4. Matinees take place at 2:00 p.m. Saturdays and Sundays at the University of Miami's Jerry Herman Ring Theatre, 1312 Miller Dr., Coral Gables. Tickets cost $25. Call 305-225-0015. (NK)