The Ten Worst Things About Working in Miami Retail

The Ten Worst Things About Working in Miami Retail
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Thanksgiving is over. Black Friday has come and gone. Christmas brought all kinds of gifts to Miami's girls and boys. But has your gluttony and deal grabbing been sated? Nope. Now it's time for the annual tradition of returning the stuff you don't want.

Every year, December rains an entire month of hellfire on those in the retail industry. The recipients of this widespread mania are the salespeople, the managers, and those poor greeters whose feet undoubtedly get trampled a couple times a day. In honor of this magical time of year, we present the ten worst things about working retail in the Magic City.

(A short note before the following spew of vitriol and sarcasm: The majority of retail customers, even those in Miami, are friendly and patient -- just not these assholes.)

The Ten Worst Things About Working in Miami Retail
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10. The Drunkies

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"Theeeese are cuuuute," she slurs to her equally wobbly friend. "Aren't they CUUUUTE?"

Drunkies, or drunk besties, speak each sentence like drawn out hiss, with a hint of longing -- think Ka from The Jungle Book but with boobs, big hair, and a cocktail dripping condensation on the merchandise. Outdoor stores and gift shops are favorite spots for Drunkies. They've just consumed equal parts salad and vodka cranberry cocktails and are coming for you. Get ready for some duck faces, knocked over displays, and repeating yourself.

The Ten Worst Things About Working in Miami Retail
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9. The haggling

Perhaps it's Miami's cultural mix that makes it such a haggling hub, or maybe it's those pesky tourists trying to save a buck however they can. Whatever the reasons, tons of shoppers here won't stop badgering sales associates until they either get the lowest possible price or get kicked out of the store, whichever comes first. Fifty percent off and "final offer" don't cut it with these sales specialists. These fanatics need to stuff their ripped catalog pages back in their bags and take a breath. Though Dolphin Mall may seem a lot like a vendor-filled nuthouse, it's not an flea market. Show some restraint, coupon clippers.

The Ten Worst Things About Working in Miami Retail
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8. The know-it-alls

Many retail workers have come to know the nuances of the human face, all those squinted eyes and slight frowns and huffs of derision. These sunny looks usually accompany questions like, "Are you...trained for this?" and "Do you really know what I'm talking about?" and the even more condescending, "Maybe this nearby stranger can help me more than you, stupid child." OK, they don't usually say that last one, but they do seek advice from random people. Customer service varies wildly in Miami, but most of us didn't stumble into a store, pick up a name tag, and start greeting. We applied, were hired, and yes, were trained, and are now ready to help your unappreciative ass.

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