A new Miami Heat playoff series starts tonight, this time against the Indiana Pacers -- and dammit, you simply have nothing to wear. Sure, there's your Miami Heat baseball cap and your D-Wade jersey, both of which pair nicely with your Heat logo tattoo. But everyone in town has that stuff.
To really support your Miami Heat in these games, you need to be unique. You need to stand out like man capris on a 6'4" athlete. You need something new, something creative, something ... handmade.
Luckily, there's Etsy, a treasure trove of wacky DIY homages to the best team in the NBA. Read on for ten items perfect for the Miami Heat fan who has everything.
There's a little LeBron in all of us. But what's inside that little LeBron? A littler D-Wade, inside of which there is an even smaller Chris Bosh, who's hiding a tiny Mario Chalmers, inside of whom you'll find a teensy-weensy Shane Battier. I mean, obviously.
Dwyane Wade and LeBron are hipsters, as evidenced by everything either of them has worn in public in the last year or so. So the best way to support them, footwear-wise, is to buy yourself some fucking glitter Toms with a DIY Heat logo on them, because WWHD (What Would Hipsters Do).
Miami ladies, on the other hand: You just keep doin' you.
Support King James with that same royal reminder that's everywhere these days. Why is this shirt pink? Who cares! Logic, much like the basic laws of physics, do not apply to LeBron.
What in the bedazzled hell is this? Does that phone have a sparkly rash? Does that giant silver bow poke you in the face when you talk on the phone? Why can't I stop staring at it? Is it because it's subtly mesmerizing? Like, maybe it has magic mind control powers? Maybe, if enough people in Miami order this phone case, and then text Frank Vogel using that phone case, he'll just forfeit the series on the spot like, "Well, Glitter Plague Phone told me to"? Yes, that's gotta be it.
Just imagine: a tiny LeBron guardian angel, dangling from your right ear, guiding you through the world with whispered wisdom. And on your left ear? A suave little LeBron devil, thwarting his angel counterpart with temptation at every opportunity. Wouldn't that be awesome? Of course! But it's also highly unlikely; science won't be able to clone human beings for years, and the technology in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids is even further off. So these earrings will have to do instead.
Surgeons: Pair this scrub cap with a pin that says, "I'd Rather Be Watching the NBA Playoffs" to set your patients' minds at ease before they go under the knife.
The perfect vessel for sneaking booze into the American Airlines Arena. What are they going to do if they catch you with a flask that so perfectly represents the 305, kick you out? Yes, yes they are. But at least you'll be drunk when they do.
And all this time, you thought it was Bosh who was part dinosaur.
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These are Miami Heat brass knuckles. If you are unimpressed by this, please just move to Indianapolis and leave the rest of us alone. But first, give me $300.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.