The Ten Uber Drivers You Find in Miami
E-hail services, specifically Uber and Lyft, are a godsend in Miami: No more worrying about valet service, parking laws, or your blood alcohol content. The only things to concern yourself with: Can your driver find you? Can he drive? Is he sane? The answer to all three is usually, “Sure, more or less.” But the variety of personalities who answer your bat signal can vary widely in this city. If you rely on these services regularly, these are the types of drivers you'll eventually encounter — see if you can spot one of them when your next Uber arrives.
10. The Hangover Helper
You’re feeling shaky, lightheaded, and sensitive to sunlight, but you have to GSD. So you’re out on the curb at 10 a.m., praying this ride won’t be drama. And you get a miracle! When this driver pulls up, something about his happy-go-lucky vibe and observational humor works like balm to your soul. You spend the first part of the ride sharing amazement at the guy in front of you bumping Tiësto out of the subwoofers of his lightning-painted Yahama motorcycle, and the second half sharing “Miami, amirite?” stories.
Rating: Five stars plus an overly generous tip.
9. The New Girl
She’s been in Miami only a short time, but man, she loves this place! She is the Happiest Uber Driver in the World. And despite being new to the city — and sometimes even the country and its traffic laws — she is a surprisingly adept driver, not even really needing her navigation system. She’s way too smart and motivated to be in a transient job. She's powering through a college degree in her downtime. Five years from now, she’ll have graduated and be doing business development for a real-estate group. Good on you, New Girl.
Rating: Five stars and a nice comment because you’ll probably be working for her one day.
8. The Poor Sucker
Generally found driving UberPOOLs, this guy is young, naive, and just hapless. He waits ten minutes for late passengers and then gives them his phone charger and lets them dictate directions. Together, he and you vow silently never to do an UberPOOL again no matter how many times Uber promotes it. Once the terrible passenger gets out of the car, there is no sound except sadness. At the end of a 45-minute journey that should have taken 25 minutes, you tip him $7 and still feel guilty.
Rating: Four stars plus a pity tip.
7. The Former Taxi Driver
He’s grizzled, gruff, funny, efficient, and has this thing down to a fine system. He explains his schedule in detail: Wake up at 5 a.m. every day, drive till exactly 10 a.m., and then live his life, which might involve a boat or some woodworking hobby. Let the Poor Suckers handle the other 19 hours of the day and night, he says. He can give you the quickest and most traffic-free ride you’ll ever experience. But if you take even 2.2 minutes to get down to the car after Uber pings you, you’ll never meet this guy because he hits the gas at 1:59 like Bye, have a nice life!
Rating: Three to five stars, depending upon whether you cut it so close you had to chase his departing car.
6. The Abuela
You see her coming from a mile away — or, to be precise, you see her car do two loops on your GPS tracker. When she pulls up, she’s angry at you for standing in a No Parking zone. You explain that when you were standing in a parking lot, she didn’t see you, but this does nothing to calm her. You don't even know this woman, but somehow she knows exactly how to guilt you. Eventually, there’s a tense détente — but not until the end of the ride.
Rating: Five stars out of pure intimidation.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.