The Ten Things You Need To Know About the NBA Playoffs as a Miami Heat Fan
Photo by Alex Broadwell
The NBA Playoffs start Saturday, and it could not come soon enough.
This year, the Miami Heat, and the three superstars the team is built around, go for their fourth NBA Finals in a row and a possible third NBA Championship. Not to get too far ahead of ourselves, but it may be the last time we see our Big Three together for a championship again.
In preparation of what promises to be the hardest playoff run the team has ever been a part of, here are ten things you need to know about this year's playoffs and our Miami Heat's role within it.
Four Years In, and the Miami Heat Are Really, Really Tired
Technically, it's five years considering all the playoff games they've played in the era of the Three Kings. They're tired, and quite frankly probably bored, so this season hasn't been the easiest to watch.
Will the Heat snap out of it now that the playoffs are here, or are they going to stumble their way into a disappointing post season run? Are LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade the makers of history, or are they going to fall short of a three-peat like the Los Angeles Lakers of 2003-04?
Don't Fall For the Hype, the Brooklyn Nets Suck
For the last four years, some crappy team makes it to the playoffs and somehow gets the media drooling over a chance at surprising the Miami Heat. Since 2011, it's been either the Chicago Bulls or the New York Knicks, and somehow, in 15 games against both teams, they've only managed three wins against the Heat.
Can the media learn their lesson? Of course not, but trust us, there's no way that the Heat are tanking games out of fear of facing a chipmunked face Paul Pierce and Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind Alien Kevin Garrnett, a conspiracy theory the media have been throwing around for the last week.
Pepe Billete Yearly Playoff NBA Antics
Every year, Miami's favorite foul-mouthed, booty-loving, felt superstar works his way into playoff games, interviews, and YouTube videos. Last year, he even covered the Miami Heat's Championship Parade for Channel 10 News. What does he have planned this year? We can't say for certain, but Miami fans can count on his face appearing courtside, and there must be at least one inappropriate video featuring a scantily clad Latin girl moving her ass in a way that only Bill Cosby could properly describe.
You Will Learn To Hate All NBA Commentators
Ask anyone outside of Miami about the Heat, and they will all say the same exact thing: "We hate LeBron James."
As loyal Miami basketball fans, the idea seems ludicrous, especially considering everything we know LeBron does for the community. He may be the most humble superstar in the history of professional basketball since Bill Russell, but America hates the guy, and the media loves to jump on popular opinion like a candy cane flavored D.
But when you're sick of that commentary, there's always...
In my secret mind, I feel like reason Heat are so awesome is mostly cuz of #HeatTwitter
— Roger Paul (@DatRoroKid) April 12, 2014
#HeatTwitter, 'Nuff Said
The worst part about #HeatTwitter is how much basketball you end up missing while trying to read all the hilarious commentary. Some of the funniest tweeters on the internet get in on the act. Watching a game while reading your twitter timeline is like spending a couple of hours with some of the funniest friends you know.
To get started find @HeatBoner and disappear into the rabbit hole from there.
Michael Beasley Will Be Eric Spoelstra's Secret Playoff Weapon
He's been there all year, just waiting for his moment of glory and redemption. Sometimes, Spo would start him, but mainly he's been sitting at the end of the bench watching the action from a distance.
While everyone would love to see a cute story for Greg Oden, it's more than likely Michael Beasley will have some huge moments in this playoff run. He's way too good not to.
You Will Learn To Hate the Indiana Pacers, A Lot
They think they're tough, but they're not (except David West, don't give him a knife). Their fans love to put Paul George on the same level as LeBron as an MVP caliber player, except he's not even close. Their coach looks like Colin Cowherd, and they complain about calls worse than we do (sorry, but LeBron, Wade, and Bosh do complain a lot). Last year, the Pacers pushed the Heat to seven games, but we have a feeling the recent Pacers basketball woes point to a deeper problem than having a bad month.
Three NBA Finals In a Row, Back-to-Back NBA Champions, and the Heat Still Don't Get Any Respect
Haters, haters, haters, and more haters. Just makes that trip down Biscayne that much sweeter, right?
The Heat Will Be Facing the San Antonio Spurs In the Finals Again
Last year's finals hurt so good, right? More than likely, the path through the Eastern Conference will knock some low-class douchebags back to their crappy home cities, but the Spurs are the team that makes Miami pee their pants a bit. It's also what makes basketball the most worth it. Need we remind anyone of:
Go Out Now and Buy Some Pots and Pans, CAUSE WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT THREE IN A ROW!
Objective journalism flies totally out the window here at Cultist when it comes to the Miami Heat, and who gives a shit? We'll see you guys on the parade route. We'll be the assholes with the pots and pans.
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