At the end of this week, two hordes of men who have suffered, bled, and fought for five months will meet on a neutral site to bash each others' heads in, to test the limits of their physical strength and stamina, all in the name of sport, conquest, and achieving the status of legend.
But who cares about all that? There's commercials to watch!
America gets so crazy over Super Bowl commercials that one day, some genius will invent a reverse TiVo that only films commercials and skips all the manly stuff between. Don Draper's right. Sex sells. And it sells pretty damn well. The boundary of sexual modesty that once existed on television has been flushed down the toilet like a used condom, only to inevitably cram the America's metaphorical septic tank until the pipes burst. Our prediction? In the year 2022, the highest-rated Super Bowl advertisement will be one long, graphic porno selling Orbitz gum. "Got a dirty mouth?"
Until that fateful day, we'll look back at the 10 sexiest Super Bowl commercials.
10. Noxema - Farrah Fawcett and Joe Namath
The thing that made the "old days" so great was the judicious use of innuendo. This, right here, had to be the highlight of Joe Namath's career. The only thing that Joe Namath did that was more impressive than this commercial was drunkenly telling Suzy Kolber, "I want to kiss you" during a Monday Night Football game. Broadway Joe has still got it.
9. Pepsi - Cindy Crawford
Ah, when sex was fairly innocent. Let us get all "prudish old guy" for a second: A lot of the other ads on this list are just obscene. Not that we're complaining, exactly. It's just, well, could those other commercials even be filmed with children watching, let alone participating in the story? If this commercial were aired in 2012, Crawford, who is still hot, would have to rip off her top, pretend to suck off the can, and then the commercial would end with her going into the back room with the station attendant to earn some free gas.
8. Doritos - Ali Landry
This is a personal favorite, probably because it came out during the height our of teenage masturbatory fury. If this list were named "Hot Girls Who Had a Moment of Fame Because of Their Hotness but Couldn't Take It Anywhere Because They Had Absolutely No Talent At All," then Ali Landry would be way at the top, running a very far second to Megan Fox.
7. Go Daddy: Danica Patrick
Unfortunately, a couple of GoDaddy commercials made it onto this list. We added them grudgingly. Don't get us wrong; they do have the sexy commercial formula down to a science. But this ad reeks of desperation. There are hobos who compulsively masturbate in public with more tact than GoDaddy.
6. Victoria Secret - Adriana Lima
Football and lingerie goes together like, well, the Lingerie Football League. You've got to love Victoria's Secret for their class. Sure, they're an underwear company that puts out sexy commercials, catalogs, and lingerie TV specials that plenty of men use as, um, inspiration. But you can almost believe those models don't know about any of it. Keep your head high, Victoria. It only prolongs the fantasy.
5. Doritos - Boys Night In
Nerd fantasies! These boys get to play video games, eat food that will make them fatter, and have hot girls fly into their living room and try to jump their bones. If this commercial were based in reality, it would end with looks of extreme disappointment on the girl's faces and the boys crying in the corner. Best to keep this scenario on TV, and leave the World of Warcraft playing to the professionals.
4. Kim Kardashian Sketchers Shape-Ups
Here at Cultist, we've been over Kim Kardashian since before we knew who the hell she was. But there still is no denying that ass of hers is quite scrumptious. No shoe in the world can give a woman the ass that Kim has, unless it was used as an implant. But we're happy with whatever excuse can get the former Mrs. Humphries down in her skimpys.
3. Peta - Sex with Veggies
She's gonna do what with that pumpkin? Whatever you're imagining, it's dirtier. Congrats to you, PETA, for showing us that no one needs to violate a sheep when there's broccoli, carrots, and cucumbers. That's what they're trying to say, right?
2. GoDaddy - Wardobe Malfunction
Instead of talking about how ridiculously hot it is when the spaghetti strap breaks on this girl's shirt, we'd rather focus again on GoDaddy's horribleness. Even their half-naked models cannot dull the continued assault of their vomit-inducing, nonsensical commercials. Lately, they've even managed to ensnare fitness guru and motivational speaker Jillian Michaels into their ads, proving yet again that if you throw enough money at a celebrity, you can convince them to eat a very large bag of dog poop, proclaim its deliciousness, and push it out as great food. Just ask McDonalds' spokesperson LeBron James.
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1. Miller Lite: Catfight
Any "Super Bowl's Sexiest Commercials" list will inevitably put the Miller Lite Catfight on top. This is like the Post-it Note of advertising. It was right there the whole time, so obviously in front of everyone's face, and it took only one company to put it all together and have the balls to run it. Take two girls, make them rip each others' clothes off, and have them fight in water and mud. Absolute perfection.