The Ten New Emojis Miami Has Been Waiting For
Miami emoji texters, we have good news and bad news.
The good news is your ironic cartoon language is about to expand. Soon 250 new emoji icons will appear at your fingertips, giving you all sorts of new ways to express yourself without the burden of using actual words.
But the bad news is none of these new emojis are especially relevant to the Miami experience. They're giving you more than a dozen new ways to point in different directions, but nothing referencing the weird, wonderful culture in which you live. And that sucks, because you know you need a way to say things like dale and Tootsie's without autocorrect interfering.
Here are the ten new emojis Miami really needs.
The cyclone emoji is already a thing; it's a pretty generic spiral shape that could, in theory, also mean a hurricane. But anyone who's lived through the real deal knows a hurricane is in a category all its own. (Let's hope not a Category 5.)
Possible icons: The pointy red universal symbol for hurricane; a long line backed up at the gas station; a car crushed beneath a giant tree branch.
9. Turn signal
Just think: If a turn signal emoji existed, every Miami user would have access to it. Not that any of us would ever use it.
Possible icons: Does it even matter?
It's the very substance that built this town, yet emoji has no way for us to describe it. This is particularly unfair because you're far more likely to text your friends using emojis after a bump.
Possible icons: Actual lines of cocaine; the existing yellow emoji smileyface snorting up said lines, as in this illustration.
Yeah, you can get your point across by pairing emoji's hypodermic needle with its bulging bicep. But here in the land of performance-enhancing drugs, having an icon dedicated to the topic would save us all a whole lot of time.
Possible icons: Said hypodermic needle injected directly into said bulging bicep; an adorable cartoon version of A-Rod wearing a frowny face.
6. Drag queen
Mother, father, baby boy, baby girl -- emoji's gender roles are way too restrictive for a town like Miami that celebrates the spectrum. Hell, there's even a drag queen in our group of Real Housewives.
Possible icons: The standard yellow smileyface in a faaaaah-bulous wig; a cartoon RuPaul, winking in approval.
Exotic dancing is a shamefully overlooked art in the world of emoji. And you know you wish you had a hilarious cartoon icon to let your bros know you just walked into Tootsie's.
Possible icons: The existing twin blond dancing icons getting freaky on the pole.
4. 2 Live Crew
For when you want to let that guy on Tinder know you're as nasty as you wanna be.
Possible icons: A cartoon Uncle Luke; a line of four women in thong bikinis seen from behind.
Sure, there's a coffee emoji. But a colada is no ordinary coffee. In fact, using a coffee emoji when you're talking about a colada is an insult to Cuban-coffee drinkers everywhere.
Possible icons: The traditional aluminum stovetop espresso maker; a stack of thimble-sized cups; a cartoon guy holding a cup of the stuff with his head fully exploded.
2. Pata sucia
Everyone from Pepe Billete to Otto Von Schirach has paid homage to the South Florida phenomenon of the pata sucia; now it's emoji's turn. Because when you see that girl in the club, you need an appropriate icon to accompany the embarrassing photo of her you just posted to Instagram.
Possible icons: Two feet, one wearing a high heel, one barefoot.
Because above all else, Miami deserves an emoji that means dale.
Possible icons: Cartoon Pitbull, duh.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.
Send your story tips to Cultist at email@example.com.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.