After doing a little bit of research for this week's weekend guide, we came to the startling realization that America has been doing it all wrong.
See, because in Brazil, there is an entire pageant show for the ladies with more butt than they know what to do with.
You could are argue that it's distasteful and objectifying women, but if that's your beef, have a cocktail and relax. It's all in good fun.
Here now are the ten best things to do in Miami this weekend, which, of course, include lots of bumbum.
Gianni Versace: Don't worry, Yeezy won't be there to ruin it and call it ver-say-cee.
Dave Matthew's Band: Crash into me, but please don't ruin my buzz.
Star Slinger: Ginger got beatz.
Kate Simko: Domestic EDM: Detroit techno and Chicago house.
Drag Queen Bingo Night: Girl! Drag B-I-N-G-O spells F-A-B in Queen.
311: It's like middle school all over again
Marilyn Manson: Creepy, and from Florida, natch.
Colombian Independence Festival: Where my Colombianos at?
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Miami Beach Bruthaz Conference: "Conference," PAHAHA!
Follow Alex on Twitter @ARodWrites.