You can complain about Miami for a myriad of reasons, but you can't say our locals suffer from a lack of personality. To outsiders, Miamians can be "too loud," "too Cuban," "too rude," or any combination thereof -- but locals know we're just a bunch of amusing, quirky, and audacious folks.
Love it our hate it, Miami lives up to that reputation -- especially on Twitter.
From a crass puppet serving as the 305's mascot, to an outspoken baseball player, to an electronic dance music know-it-all, Miami's Twitterverse proves that though this town might lag in intelligence and English-speaking individuals, it doesn't mess around with boring.
Here are ten essential Twitter accounts for Miamians to follow.
10. John Carrascal, @SoFLBrgOverload
Miami loves overindulgence, especially when it comes to food. So when food enthusiast Johnny Carrascal hops on Twitter and delights his followers with jaw-dropping, drool-inducing photos of burgers, Miami follows. The man behind @SoFlBrgOverload is a hard-working foodie who succeeds at providing Miami with the meatiest, juiciest burger joints in our area and often answers followers' requests for advice. Get ready to get overloaded.
9. Cuban Kate Moss, @MiamiPPLPrblems
Is there another Kate Moss besides the famous model? In Miami, there is, and like a good chunk of Miami's population, she's Cuban. Whenever you need a laugh, Cuban Kate Moss will cheer you up with her ratchet and endearing tweets about Miami's lifestyle. The anonymous tweeter embodies the typical Miami girl with Spanglish, profanity, and infatuation with Club Space. Sometimes you need to be reminded what Miami is all about, and Cuban Kate Moss's Twitter feed does the job.
8. Manny Mangos, @MannyMangos
When Lady Gaga follows you on Twitter, you know you've won at Twitter. (Some would say you've also lost at life.) Either way, Manny Mangos has that dubious honor. People don't follow him because he's a Miami hot shot. In the real world, he's a tall, regular dude with a bizarre thought process and a cat fixation. That weird, meme-friendly personality is why he's so popular online. His tweets often reflect his deep thoughts on life. His Twitter feed is an oasis of inspiring and eye-opening tweets -- "Love songs are sad" or "Mangos can enhance a marijuana high and allow you to get 'higher' more effectively" or "Tuna gives good advice." It's up to you to choose what inspires you. Just don't let his poor grammar turn you away, because you might warm up to it. Yes, even you, grammar Nazi.
Dan Le Batard retweeting a hater -- the usual
7. Dan Le Batard Show, @LeBatardShow
Forget his radio show, TV show, and Miami Herald duties -- Dan LeBatard's Twitter feed is a full-time job of its own. He knows this city inside and out, which means he knows how to incite outrage with a perfectly timed tweet that strikes a nerve. He was recently in a one-on-one battle with Miami's favorite puppet, Pepe Billete, when he revealed his thoughts about Yoenis Cespedes winning the Home Run Derby. Le Batard isn't afraid of being bashed and hated, and he proves it by retweeting his haters, trolling, and never leaving his sarcasm behind. Who's complaining? Not his 82,000 followers.
6. Lesley Abravanel, @LesleyAbravanel
The columnist and editor is all over Miami (the Miami Herald, Miami.com, and Black Book). She knows Miami's magic stretches far beyond its beach area but isn't afraid to call out the inanity of, say, a staged Real Housewives wedding or the latest Kardashian publicity stunt. The savvy and tasteful tweeter injects some much-needed realism into a Magic City that often seems unreal. Tune in to her Twitter feed if you're a foodie, lush, shopaholic, or simply somebody who values a healthy sense of snark. Though having only 6,484 followers (as of July 2013) makes her a bit of a Twitter rookie, Abravanel does a hell of a job interacting with her devotees and flooding her Twitter feed with everything Miami.
5. Miami Wonka, @MiamiWonka
A citywide disaster happened this summer: Miami Wonka's major Twitter cleanup. The so-offensive-it's-hilarous tweeter went on a spree of unfollowing, deleting followers, and deleting thousands of tweets. Now, Miami Wonka's account is left with 15 tweets and 1,057 followers since the July 6 cleanup. But that hasn't reduced Miamians' appetites for offensive wit, and that's exactly what Miami Wonka serves up -- inappropriate, Cuban-tinged, blunt, and hysterical tweets that'll tell you how it is in the 305. If you're easily offended, it's best to steer clear of these tweets, which have nicely summed up Miami as a festival of "bath salts, mollys, hierba, croquetas, and pastelitos." If not, stay tuned. We hope the Wonka stays true to its old habits.
4. Heat Nation, @HeatvsHaters
Who are we? Miami-Wade County. What do we do? Hate on every NBA team because we're the best team in the league (on Twitter, on the streets, on TV, everywhere). With almost 30,000 loyal -- yes, loyal -- Heat-fan followers, Heat Nation is the Heat gang's voice on Twitter. Unlike its cheap (yet sometimes funny) imitator, Heat Nation Bitch, the real Heat Nation keeps it classy, young, and alive. Every once in a while, the anonymous voice behind Heat Nation gets dirty and pokes fun at our own players, such as LeBron James and his receding hairline. But Heat Nation mainly pumps up the team's bandwagoning fan base and updates followers with everything basketball-related -- from what D-Wade posts to who wins what to how awesome the Heat really is. Every NBA team needs a nation, and Miami has Heat Nation.
3. EDMSnob, @EDMSnob
Miami, home to Ultra Music Festival for 15 years, is the nation's capital of electric dance music. The Miami whiz kid behind the scenes of that fest is @EDMSnob. The EDM addict keeps his nearly 30,000 followers entertained via great tracks, festival updates, and music commentary. The man behind it all, Albert Berdellans, has an intricate knowledge of the industry and the talent out there, so he's fit for the EDMSnob title. And to top it all off, he's funny. Sample tweet: "If you are playing music by yourself, is it still a gig? I don't know, if you have sex by yourself, did you still get laid?" Whether you're an EDM newbie or a veteran, be on the lookout for the snob's Twitter feed.
2. Logan Morrison, @LoMoMarlins
Notorious for his wit and bluntness, LoMo rocks the social media world and the outfield at the same time. The Miami Marlins left fielder's Twitter feed stays true to his admiration of Dave Chappelle-esque humor, with posts about his life on the road, his life on the field, and his overly personal life deets. The man has racked up close to 122,000 followers; if only Marlins Park could attract those kinds of numbers. His R-rated attitude has shaken up the Marlins' management a few times, but the fans love it, even if it's TMI at times. (For instance, "Pizza Hut. Goes down good. Comes out bad, very bad.") He cheers up Miami off the field when his MLB team can't do so on the field. Some say he should devote himself more to baseball and less to Twitter, but frankly, nothing can help the Marlins un-suck at this point. No other dude excels at mocking his own life and others' as gracefully as LoMo.
The puppet has jokes.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
1. P$, @PepeBillete
There are many things weird with Miami (one of those things being that it's in Floriduh), but the one thing the city has done right is adopted itself a raunchy Cuban puppet. Ours is called Pepe Billete, and all of his devoted followers call him "Tio Pepe." He is a radio/TV/everything personality, a Miami New Times columnist, and a hell of a funny tweeter. With about 21,300 followers, Tio Pepe tweets only to mature audiences because his lingo is no joke. And he has Miami haters on watch; mess with Miami, and Tio Pepe will out you as "un singao" for all of Twitter to see, turning his legion of fans against you. The Miami-loving puppet has become one of this city's most valued personas: Readers voted his Twitter feed best in town in Miami New Times Best of Miami Readers' Poll this year -- and he's a go-to source for everything from Spanglish to sports to parties and news. He even created his own nonsense, profane vocabulary and made an #equalrightsforpuppets hashtag along the way. Pepe Billete floods his Twitter feed daily with everything a 305er must know.