It's late October. Do you know what you're going to be for Halloween?
Don't go to the costume store and buy one of those overpriced, cheaply made atrocities. Halloween is all about getting creative and making a statement with your outfit. Besides, a lot of things have happened in Miami this year that are just begging to be commented upon with your choice of costume.
Whether you like exercising like a horse, hating on your fellow Miamians, or just love selling blow, there's a timely and locally relevant costume in our list for you.
If you haven't seen Stitches' "Brick in Yo Face" music video by now, you're not actually from Miami. Who loves selling blow? Stitches loves selling blow. Is it true? He do, he do, he do, ooohhh. For this insanely awesome costume, you can either draw fake stitches and AK-47 tattoos on your face, or you can get a Hellraiser mask, a hoodie, and a giant bag of flour. Definitely throw it around everywhere. This is even better if you're a girl and you make it "sexy" (read: miniskirt).
On the polar opposite of the spectrum, you could be Florida's embarrassing governor, Rick Scott. He doesn't love selling blow or possibly anything. He's here to destroy your dreams of high-speed rail, drug-test your welfare recipients, and allow you legal access to only the shitty weed. Take this costume to the next level by turning it into a half-Rick Scott, half-Lord Voldemort twist. The Governor Who Shall Not Be Named, indeed.
If you're going to poke fun at Rick Scott, you've got to have a little chuckle at Charlie Crist too. It's only fair that everyone gets put through the ringer. That's politics. Slap on an obscene amount of orange bronzer, spray-paint your hair white, and swear up and down you aren't gay. Oh Cristy, baby, you're fabulous.
Photo by Nathan Rupert/Flickr CC
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I wanna get freakin' high. (You know the Spice Girls were probably high when they wrote that song.) Charlotte's Web is not gonna cut it, people. The vote to legalize medical weed comes only days after Halloween, and what better way to show your support than to dress up as sexy Mary Jane! Spruce up this costume by bringing enough to share with the class.
Once you've gotten high on your friend's costume, prance about the party like you're Joanna Rohrback, South Florida's world-famous internet-exercise-trend queen. It'll be the funniest thing you've ever seen or done. Horses are sexy, and so are you. Go all out and get your guy to go along with you in zebra pants. Couples that Prancercise together win costume contests together.
LeBron up and left us, and it's way more fun to give him grief about it than to rationalize his personal decision. So let's publicly shame all of those whiny babies who wanted to act like sports aren't all about being nasty for no reason to one another. Wear an old LeBron jersey, carry a sign that reads, "Leave LeBron Alone," and just walk around saying things like, "But did you read what he wrote about why he moved? You can't hate on that, man."
Is that a dare? Because we can hate on literally anything.
In more weird Florida news, this girl just north of us Miamians claimed she got a plastic surgeon to add an extra breast to her chest because she didn't want to appear attractive to men anymore and wanted her own reality show. Look, it doesn't have to make any sense to be real anymore. Does she make her own shiny rave bras? The whole thing is probably not even real, but no one cares. This costume will have the entire party hooting and hollering in rapturous laughter. No need to sex this up. It can't get sexier than three boobies.
Photo by: George Martinez
Sad Raver Baby
We'd bet money that three-breasted lady has been to Ultra Music Festival -- or at least Club Cinema. It's just the kind of place you would expect to see the kind of person who would get a third breast. But you know who won't be at Ultra this year? Children. That's probably a great thing, but everyone under the age of 18 cried A LOT at the news. Nothing is weirder than kids on ecstasy crying, which means this costume is perfectly relevant and mean-spirited for Halloween. Pacifiers are already included.
That Classist New York Times Writer
Remember when that stuck-up bitch visited her parents in Miami; went to only the shitty, snobby parts of town; wrote a diary entry about how Miami is so lame and she still doesn't like the kids she went to high school with; and then got it published in the New York Times? Yeah. That was hysterical. Why not dress up like Pamela Druckerman (which is to say an uptight white lady who still wants to seem "fun") and just walk around with your nose in the air telling everyone you lived in Paris once and how to "grow up."
This is terribly off-color, but that's the entire point of Halloween, right? You can get away with things like dressing up as the victim of some freak mosquito bite. Or you can just dress up as the scary mosquito itself and run around threatening to attack people and infect them with chikungunya juju. This gets more entertaining the more you drink, because you will never be able to say what it is you're pretending to be and therefore will just look like the drunken idiot asshole you are. Or you make Ebola-like squiggles from pipe cleaners and rub them on people all night. Asshole win.
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Halloween is so freakin' awesome, you guys. We can't wait!
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.