The Seven Weirdest Sex Apps
Apps were invented to simplify life's toughest conundrums; some help dilute our cruddy sense of direction (Google Maps); some to make reservations for brunch at Zuma seamlessly - or not (OpenTable); and some to make our loins burn with passion.
A whole techy business has emerged centered around the limbic part of the brain, aimed at awakening your inner freak. There are new apps designed with your sexual travel in mind, or sometimes, just to secure your privacy. There are cute and fun ways to dress up your Johnson, or hey, why not your unborn child? There are even helpful hints for upping your skill level between the sheets.
Of course, not all of them are really that sexy. Here are the seven weirdest sexualized wonders of the app world, from the good, to the bad, and the downright kinky.
First comes lovin', then comes baby, then comes Pimp-My-Ultrasound? Yes, this app did just happen. Now, for 99 cents at the iPhone App Store, you don't have to settle for an old-fashioned, fuzzy, black and white image that may or may not resemble a baby. You can quite literally pimp the shit out of it. Accessories including football helmets, guitars, and text bubbles that read "I'm a pimp" help elevate your unborn child from boring baby to Snoop Dogg prodigy. There's even the option of a "pimp cup."
Cunnilingus can be a woe for some, but the gods have indeed smiled upon the vulvarly-challenged. Created by the kinky, San Francisco-based team behind "Club Sexy Time," this app helps strengthen the most important muscle of your body - the tongue. You can use your mouth muscle across your screen three ways; up and down, circles, and "freestyle." Sounds fun, but fun turns to slimy fast. That's why Lick This recommends you strap it up before you smack it up, covering your mobile-device-turned-vajayjay in plastic wrapping. You can master the subject of linguistics at lickthisapp.com.
Guys, if you liked playing with Mr. Potato Head as a child, this one's for you. Let your shlong serve as an appropriate alternative. The app, intended to liven up your sextual encounters (was sexting ever boring to begin with?), encourages men to upload a picture of their little gentleman and dress it up in cartoonish props like cowboy hats, mustaches, and neckties, too. Not too proud about the dimensions of your little one? Dickorate can also help in that department. Not only do you lose integrity points by decorating - or dickorating - your phallus and sending it to innocent morsels, but you can also con the person on the receiving end into thinking your dick is bigger than it is. Sorry, Android users. You are the chosen ones shafted with this unfortunate app.
Sex with Google Glass
Ever wonder what you looked like while doing the nasty? Are you a pornographic temptress like Jameson, or the less impressive version of Bridget Jones? Now, you can find out courtesy of Google Glass. The app, set to debut later this year allows those partaking in the Humpty Dance a virtual experience to watch and record each other, as well as swap video feeds to see from your partners perspective. Not ready to become the next Kim K should your video leak? Don't fret. The app automatically deletes the footage after five hours. Though seemingly intriguing, the intention of this app spurs the question: Will pleasure still be plausible through this looking glass, or will scientific experimentation take the reigns?
Vanity - Beauty Meter
So, you think you're hot, but just how hot are you really? iTunes' Vanity - Beauty Meter will unapologetically let you know if that mirror-gazing is justifiable for $3.99. Based on the symmetry of one's face, the emphatically barefaced app, rates your beauty on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 of course being the highest). If you rate above a 6, congratulations, the Beauty Meter thinks you're beyond reproach, or close enough to it anyway. For the homely entities ranked below that fateful 6, you will not continue onto America's Next Top Model and probably won't get laid this weekend, either. Oh well, at least you have a really, ahem, nice personality to make up for it, right?
You and your roommate are besties. But when it comes time for a little R&R with your boy toy (or girl), your beloved roommate's timing couldn't be more off. Alas! Privacy-problem solved by way of the Sock-it app. Powered by - gasp - Clorox, the ol' sock on the door signal of DO NOT DISTURB has been digitally compacted into the tiny likes of but an iTunes app. Both roommates sign a treaty agreeing that the Sock-it app will indeed be downloaded by cohabitating parties. Once you and your sexual affiliation are ready to knock boots, simply activate the privacy setting in Sock-it. As soon as your clingy roommate is in close proximity to base camp, (s)he will automatically be notified via the app to back the fuck up - politely, of course.
All four magazines have been read, your playlist has looped a whopping three times. What else is there to do on a non-stop, 12-hour flight to Greece? Hook up with the hot guy seated in 22A, of course - or at least Wingman thinks you should. Expected out this summer, the oddly anticipated app for the mile-high minded, behaves much like Tinder - swiping through profiles and seeking out worthy candidates whom also have a desired penchant for a little bathroom turbulence mid-flight. The only complications of this iTunes app, of course, is the limiting user-to-user ratio on each flight. Just pray you're aboard an Airbus A380 over-flowing with dreamy Greek gods all named Stavros to up the likelihood of some skyrockets in flight.
-- Nycole Sariol
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