What's worse than a handful of drunk, plastic, self-obsessed, quarrelling women with too much time on their expertly manicured hands?
A handful of drunk, plastic, self-obsessed, quarelling brides.
And if there's any reality left in Bravo's Real Housewives of Miami reality series, that's exactly what we can all expect when season three debuts later this year. Two of the wives are gettin' hitched, y'all!
First up is Adriana de Moura, whose May 17 wedding to Frederic Marq is allegedly faker than Lisa Hochstein's boobs. De Moura spent much of seasons one and two agonizing over whether or not to make things official with her so-called boyfriend. But the Miami Herald reports that de Moura and Marq have been married in reality since 2008 -- unbeknownst to RHOM's cast or producers. Cue the catfighting!
For a sham wedding, de Moura's affair sure does have a lot of pomp and circumstance. Wedding invitations came with detailed instructions for how to dress, demanding two different "looks" for the wedding and reception (in short: lots of white and high-end flapper fashion). There's also an "inspiration mood board" with photos of Carey Mulligan, the cast of Downton Abbey, and a bunch of models wearing enormous hats.
De Moura's wedding invitation specifies that her special day will be "heavily featured" on the upcoming RHOM season. But this weekend, at Haute Living magazine's Haute 100 party, Joanna Krupa and fiance Romain Zago let slip their own wedding plans, with a date of June 13, not even a month after their fellow castmates tie the already-tied knot.
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And as for season three, with its high-drama nuptials? They're over it. Asked about the filming of season three, Zago responded, "The suffering is almost over."
The Real Bride Wars of Miami, here we come. Hey, as long as Mama Elsa officiates the ceremonies, we're in.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.