The Real Housewives of Miami, Part Two: Mama Elsa Magic and Other Merry Moments
If you whip out your dictionary and turn to the word "reunion," you will find a definition that reads: the act of uniting again. Please note that that definition includes no mention of Andy Cohen, Bravo, or bitches acting as though they are on bath salts in a ball gown. We should probably call up Webster and have him change it. Because let's be honest -- that pretty much sums up part one and two of the unique and utterly drama-riffic reunion of the Real Housewives of Miami.
Last Week: If you really wanted know what you missed, you can check out our stellar review. Here's the short version: Ana vs. Lea, Joanna vs. Adriana, and Andy Cohen doing his best to stir the pot. Well, mission accomplished, Andy.
If you missed last night's reunion finale, here's what is waiting for you on your DVR.
Joe Francis Ain't Jack Shit
Hear ye, hear ye: Joanna Krupa didn't sleep with Joe Francis. Does it really matter? No, because she is still super hot. He on the other hand has the face of an old man's derriere in assless chaps. Mama Elsa isn't ashamed to admit that a doctor destroyed her face; Francis shouldn't be either. Oh, and did we mention the man is a certified felon? Real Housewives of Miami, as a whole, can be occasionally tragic. Bringing that steamy hot mess on our franchise doesn't help. Let's leave him out season three, OK?
Alexis Answers All
If Bravo was out for some dirt, they got it during the reunion. Who all has had work done? They answered it. Have you slept with creepy pornographers? They cleared that up. We suppose they are in the stages of their contracts where they can't plead the fifth. When part-time cast member, Alexia, to hit the stage, she had guns and her gallon-sized jugs blazing. Before shit hit the fan, we were able to hear that her son Frankie is doing great after his accident and heading back to school this year. But our tears quickly ran back into our sockets when discussing her other son, Peter. You might remember him for punching a homeless man in the balls and putting it on YouTube. We hope he learns to deal with his emotions all while picking up a book. Putting videos of you on YouTube doing illegal shit is work of pure genius.
Sierra & That Damn Smile
How we feel about Karent Sierra is probably how many of you feel about this program. You can't figure out if you love it or hate it. But we are pretty sure we know how Andy Cohen is feeling --he himself agreed with Marysol that Miss Sierra is one big smiling carrier pigeon. Alexia, on the other hand, doesn't really care about her or her mouth; she cares about her ex beau, Rodolfo's. Essentially, she thinks those telenovela teeth of his are all over another man. Hello, best telenovela plot ever!
Gotta Go, Gotta Go
Our favorite moment of the entire two-part reunion: Marysol stopping the whole thing to pee due to Lisa giving her booze. Breaking the seal is just amateur hour, girl.
Mama Elsa Is Messiah
We had almost two hours with these ladies over the last two weeks. Seriously though, we would have rather Andy Cohen cut those other broads out and spent the whole reunion with Elsa. Here are some fabulous things we learned about her in the too-short screen time she got:
1. It's official: A botched facelift messed up her face. She isn't psyched about talking about it, but she's not ashamed either -- and might get it fixed. That takes balls. We die for her.
2. She isn't single, but not yet divorced. Who would ever leave that woman?
3. She might not like Obama, but she loves Michelle. Can someone please get those two women and a video camera in the same room?
4. Thomas Kramer needs to give back her BFF bracelet and stat. Andy Cohen is "cray-zee" to think they are still friends. Elsa and Madonna, on the other hand, used to be buddies. What we would pay to see those two sit down....
5. Most important: she is a very good friend, but a very bad enemy. Oh, and she isn't a prostitute, Joanna.
And It All Comes Down To This
To end it on a good, but awkward note, here is what we found out the ladies are up to now:
Joanna: A fairytale wedding is in the works. Can we get an invite?
Lisa: She is trying her best to put a baby in that tiny little body of hers.
Karent: She has given up her gay boyfriend, er, we mean, boyfriend. Sorry, we'll stop hating.
Lea: She feels bad if she was mean to anyone in season two. The fact that one of her world-famous cackles didn't follow that statement is a miracle/disappointment.
Adriana: She's getting married in the spring. Is there a wedding dress low-cut enough?
Marysol: We are still hoping she and her French baguette of a husband will reconnect. What can we say? We're romantic types.
Ana: She is currently plotting the death of Lea Black. Oh and her ex-husband's girlfriend.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.