The Real Housewives of Miami Finale: Make-Ups, Break-Ups and a Drag Queen
Well kids, we made it! Our little Real Housewives of Miami made it through an entire second season. Remember season one, when we got six lousy episodes (and they sure were lousy)? This was not that. This was one weepy, crazy, dirty, super-smiley (thanks, Karent), blowjob-innuendo-y, bitchslap-filled dramafest, and sweet baby Jesus, we loved it. We've always loved Miami, of course, but now that that we have Bravo legitimacy, we enjoy it just a tad more. Thank you, Andy Cohen, thank you.
For the finale, we arrive back in Bimini to bad weather. "Bad" is an understatement; the rain has caused their flights to be canceled. Perhaps "baby hurricane" would be more appropriate?
When the sun comes out for a moment, they ladies head down to the healing hole, which is somehow a spa-like escape and not a porn euphemism, so they ladies can rid themselves of their demons. Adriana needs love, Lisa needs a baby, blah blah blah. As they say their deepest darkest thoughts, they throw a flower in the water. We hope those rose buds make it back to Miami, 'cause it seemed doubtful that that positive Polly madness could make it through.
Apparently the wives made it back to the 305, because with the maybe the worst transition ever, we see Adriana back in the states playing piano with her son. Ok girl, we get it: you speak five languages, play the piano, and are a super hot MILF. From there, this show got really lovey dovey -- and quick.
We have Adriana and her fiancé planning their spring nuptials. Then, head over to South Beach where Joanna and her boo are making up over diamonds. But the passion stops there. Next, we met up with Ana finalizing her divorce. Call us an insensitive Sally, but it has been two years since you broke up -- stop the crying already.
Last but not least, we have Mrs. Marysol -- or rather, Ms. Marysol. She and her French baguette decide it's finally time to get that divorce moving. It was all very calm, mature, and ended with a casual cigarette.
But wait -- we are forgetting one romantic tale: Karent & Rodolfo. Just as we were beginning to like Miss All Smiles, we started to question ourselves. We find the doctor back in Miami taking care of her ailing father. We think that is fantastic. What we can't get behind, however, is Karent allowing her telenovela BF to tell her that he is making out with 20-somethings to get ratings for his show. Hide the razors, because we are about to slit our wrists for her.
Many of you probably woke up this morning and grabbed yourself a cup of coffee because the end of the world was all bullshit. We, on the other hand, decided to quit our jobs because we quickly realized we are in the wrong field. Over at Lisa's house, the maid gets head-to-toe plastic surgery. We barely got fruitcake for Christmas, so yeah, Lisa, if you are hiring, holla at your girl.
And then, it was time to say goodbye. To do so, Marysol gathered all the ladies at her 10-year anniversary party for her PR firm, The Patton Group. The came, they drank, and they were merry. To top it all off, we had a little show by Elaine Lancaster. See why we are so confused about why they hate each other now?
Well, that's all until the reunion, people. Stay tuned -- it's shaping up to be a good one!
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.