The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Three: Joanna Krupa Gets White-Girl Wasted
If Bravo wanted to lure in straight male viewers to Real Housewives of Miami, they did a pretty good job Thursday night. We think capturing a lingerie-wearing Joanna Krupa in bed will always do the trick.
We then go from disrobed Krupa to Dr. Karent Sierra. Every time we see the doctor, we want to burn her house down. No, not because we enjoy playing with fire (those days ended years ago), but because we wonder what her reaction would be. Would she finally stop smiling? Because on this show, she is literally never not smiling. Her boyfriend might be cheating? Looking thrilled. Her boyfriend suggests a harem? Grinning from ear to ear. If you remember last week, she was showing those pearly whites even through tears. Girl, you need to stop. Your cheeks are exhausted.
Then, over to Casa de Boob God. Lisa Hochstein's life is pretty interesting. It's like watching a Japanese sex doll come to life. But The Hoch and her jugs aren't the real stars there; her housekeeper Daysy is. And not just her; all of these wives have a pretty great staff. So great in fact, we are almost positive Andy Cohen is currently planning their spinoff. First, there is Daysy who essentially gets paid to hang out with her boss. Then, over at Lea's house, Freda is living a life of luxury we can only dream of. Elsa's has a maid too, and though we don't know her name and she's been on just one episode, she's clearly a star. You know that gal has some stories.
Sarge: The Chanukah Chutzpah Tour... "Kiss My Mezuzah"
TicketsFri., Jan. 27, 8:00pm
Fundarte Presents: Chiflón By Chile's Silencio Blanco Theatre Company
TicketsFri., Jan. 27, 8:30pm
JTF's Friday Night Live
TicketsFri., Jan. 27, 9:00pm
TicketsFri., Jan. 27, 10:00pm
TicketsFri., Jan. 27, 11:00pm
The wives met up at Lea's mega-mansion to talk about who could volunteer for Lea's annual Black Gala. Then, our favorite honorary housewife in drag, Elaine Lancaster, shows up, all dressed in her show clothes, naturally. (For a charity meeting? Really?) As they all begin to discuss how they could contribute, Elaine proudly announces, "I couldn't walk the red carpet last year. Marysol wouldn't let me."
And then, it was time to celebrate clubs. If anything good has happened to Mynt in the last ten years, it's this show. The ladies graced the club's anniversary celebration with characteristic class, aka lots of drunken drama. Thank God for that.
Before the ladies even hit the town, there is some smack talk. First, we learn that Joanna's sister used to date the DJ at Mynt. They broke up because he cheated. Dating a DJ never goes well, let's be honest.
Then, Lisa proudly announces that Elsa's face ain't looking so good. Back up off our Mama Elsa, okay, woman? As a half-human, half-mannequin hybrid, you don't really have room to talk about other people's freaky surgeries.
Then, they head to Mynt. There was red carpet, go-go dancers, and free-flowing vodka -- just how Joanna likes it. As the evening begins, Marysol and Elaine attempt to kiss and make up. That all seems to go well, but we know that will last about as long as their hangovers. As the night progresses, more and more shots are poured. This leads to a full-blown breakdown from Joanna to Romain, all because DJ the Douche is spinning. What lead to the tears? We don't know and neither did anyone else. (Hint: vodka.)
If this episode did anything, it showed the ladies of Miami that even one of America's top models gets a little drunk and messy from time to time. The only downside is that she still looked fabulous the whole time.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.