Last night's Real Housewives of Miami began with Karent Sierra desperately trying to walk a red carpet, Elaine Lancaster in full drag, and Elsa Patton boozing it up.
First, Elaine sits down with her cocktail looking to have some casual chit chat. Mama Elsa gives her a killer look of death. No, seriously. A part of our soul died inside just watching it. After Elsa casually verbally assaults Miss Elaine, she informs her that talking is not on the agenda -- just her pocketbook hitting a drag queen's face.
Meanwhile, Lea Black does what she does best: be a little bitch. "I just said he needed a green card. I was just kidding!" Remember the days when Paris Hilton tried to franchise the phrase "That's hot!" Well, the words "Just" and "kidding" are probably currently on Lea's lawyer husband's desk to become no one's but hers.
According to Bravo, former full-time Housewife Alexia Echevarria is just making cameos this season. Well, her cameo in episode six caused some chaos. Adriana began confronting Karent regarding the beat to the tweet. Or in her words, "I don't come to your office and pull teeth!"
Upon seeing Adriana discussing Twitter and all that comes with it, Alexis decides to step in, and moments later, she kicks Karent out of the party. (Note to self: If you are at a Venue Magazine party and Adriana tries to talk to you, walk away. You will, in fact, be asked to leave.)
But before we move on, can we talk about how fucking big Lisa's house is? Jesus Christ. We really got a grasp of the mega-mansion now that Joanna Krupa's sister Marta is living there. Talk about an upgrade from Joanna's drama-filed apartment. But we can't help but wonder if Dr. "Boob God" Hochstein hates having Marta living in his home. After all, he now has two rocket scientists under one roof.
From cup size to Cuban, we head over to Alexia's crib. As soon as the scene hits the screen, we immediately felt sad. Her son really did survive something tragic. But even as she's shedding tears, she's quick to talk shit about Karent. Multitasking! Hey, whatever it takes to get your mind of the bad stuff, right?
Meanwhile, Joanna's boyfriend is cheating on her. Sorry, single ladies, but there is officially no hope for you anymore. If supermodel Joanna can't keep her man faithful, we are all totally screwed. Instead of going all Carrie Underwood with a baseball bat to his car, Joanna put a spatula to a pan. Or attempted to, at least.
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As we watch her cook, we see why Joanna gets in front of the camera and not in the boardroom. She is kind of, shall we say, slow? Later, when we see her sit down and chat with Romain, it's gender relations at their worst. Girls be crazy. Guys be lying. God, is anyone else depressed?
Still to come this season: bitch slapping, crying, calling out and all the housewives in lingerie. BRING IT.