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The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

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We've spent all week getting psyched for the return of The Real Housewives of Miami. We attended the premiere party. We let Joanna Krupa call us a bitch (lovingly, of course). We got the scoop on Elsa Patton's health after she collapsed.
Finally, last night, season two premiered on Bravo, and the entire country got to see what all our fuss was about. The Euros over at Daily Mail called it "Reality Gold!" Oh no, wait, they were talking about Joanna Krupa's bikini body. In any case, we couldn't agree more.


The show's opening credits are so very Miami, packing so many cliches into a matter of seconds that it's almost sickening. Salsa music! Mojitos! We half-expected the ending group shot to involve a shower of cocaine falling over them as Gloria Estefan plays the bongos in the background.

Still, if the producers had one goal, it was to win you over from moment one. Two minutes into the show, we see Elsa, her fabulous vintage car, and her handicap sticker. Clearly, Bravo knows who we're really tuning in to watch. Elsa finally admits that a doctor "destroyed my face." Poor Mama Elsa. We love you and your face, girl. We also love that closet-hiding-Xanax-taking dog, Napoleon.

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

During the Patton ladies' trip to the jewelry store, we also learn that Marysol is a single lady out on the town. Men of Miami, a successful PR powerhouse is single and ready to mingle. Get in line.

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

Next, we meet one of the new kids on the block (er, show): Ana Quincoces. Ana is already quite the lady about town. She is a lawyer, mother, and chef all wrapped up into one. Why that husband of hers left her, we aren't sure. Well, to be fair, it doesn't seem like he's really left -- he still sticks around for awkward, home-cooked dinners with the family. Best of both worlds?

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

From Ana, we meet Karent Sierra. A little bit of a stripper name, no? [Ed. note: Watch it. Your editor's name is Ciara.] Karent tells us she is Colombian -- a nationality that, according to Ana, has "cornered the market on being nice to men." Karent is a heel-wearing dentist to the stars. We aren't sure to love her or hate her. The woman never stops smiling. No, honestly, ever. But those pearly whites might be shining because she has a hot Telenovela star boyfriend Rodolfo Jiminez. Rodolfo, on the other hand, seems not so smiley -- maybe because he is living with Karent and her parents, all while being accused of sexting with Ana.

 

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

As we mentioned in our episode one teaser, the wives are quickly migrating to Miami Beach, starting with the real mayor of Miami, Lea Black. Like a true baller, Lea just casually bought a house on Star Island and is trying to figure out what to do with it. She knows her new neighbors are Rosie O'Donnell and Diddy. What she doesn't realize is that she will also be borrowing a cup of sugar from Lisa Hochstein, aka the wife of the "Boob God." We're calling it now: These two are going to hate each other. Also, anyone else notice her pool looks like the male genitalia?

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

It's not just Lea who'll be hating on Lisa; we think all of America is going to join in, too. Lisa's waist is the size of most people's wrists, while her boobs are the size of the tires on most people's SUVs. She doesn't work (unless you consider "plastic surgery patient" to be a full-time job) and has a live-in BFF/housekeeper, Daisy. Jealousy, party of one.

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

If there's anyone who'll give Elsa a run for her "crowd favorite" title, it's going to be Joanna Krupa. Sure, she's a little bitchy, especially when she throws a hissyfit over appearing on the cover of a magazine in the middle of a photo shoot. But Joanna is gorgeous, speaks her mind, and uses language to make a drunk truck driver blush. It'll be interesting to watch that sister and fiance of hers. We love anyone willing to ride a coattail, and they all seem to be doing just that.

 

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

Last but not least, there's Adriana de Moura. Our favorite Brazilian bombshell seems to be doing her usual thing: dealing art, being engaged, having the body of a twenty-something, etc. But her scarf-loving fiancé has decided they should live on a boat. No, not occasionally take a week or two in the Bahamas. Literally pack up boxes and yacht around Miami. Um, no thanks. We're getting seasick just thinking about it -- and Adriana seems to feel the same.

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

The wives' first group meeting of the season goes down at the ultra chic Smith & Wollensky. What bad can happen there? Apparently, a lot. Marysol is giving Lea the stinkeye. Joanna bitches at her sister to perk the hell up and stop crying over a text. Adriana watches the whole scene like she just saw a ghost.

But none of that compares to Elsa, who once again faints on the scene. What is it with Elsa, fabulous parties, and fainting? Thankfully, she is OK. God forbid she wasn't; we would all be calling in to work today for emotional distress.

The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

Final verdict: We have faith in season two. Elsa has a starring role, there's already plenty of drama brewing between the women, and fame whore Thomas Kramer is yet to enter the mix. There seems to be a trip to the Bahamas coming up, too, and let's be honest -- none of the housewives ever travel well. Plus, you know we've gotta stick around to see Adriana's backhand meeting Joanna's face.

It's official, we are hooked.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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Smith & Wollensky

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