The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Eight: Bras, Broads and Bitch Slaps
We think it's safe to say that Real Housewives of Miami is finally starting to heat up. On last night's special Sunday edition, there were cocktails, violence, and nip slips -- oh my! What more could you ask from a Real Housewives franchise? (Not much.)
We mean, even Lady Gaga was tweeting about the show. Does this mean we can start referring to the cast as "Miami's little monsters"?
The show kicks off with the ladies at Lisa Hochstein's lingerie party for breast cancer. Like most Miami soirees, there is quite the motley crew of guests. We have the entire cast of ladies, of course. But the guest list of men was interesting. You had Elaine Lancaster out of drag, Girl's Gone Wild's Joe Francis (ugh), and some man named Beau Beasely. We aren't sure exactly who or what he is doing there, but he was a guest of Karent Sierra. And he was pretty annoying from the start, so we're sure those two will get along swimmingly.
To kick things off, Marta Krupa finally admits that she slept with Joe Francis. Hey, we all make mistakes, even if they are of the "filthiest male genitalia on the planet" variety. For her safety and everyone around her, we surely hope she used a condom or three.
Despite her sordid past, though, Marta is definitely our new favorite honorary Housewife. She's always a hot drunken mess. We can relate.
Next, Adriana de Moura arrives, and she has two things on her mind: her nipples showing, and Karent's Miami Herald interview. Her nipples, we believe, were accidental, but still -- we haven't seen such blurry cleavage since one of Mr. Francis' Girls Gone Wild late night commercials. This is what happens when you let Joe Francis into your life, people!
Just when we thought the petty drama couldn't get worse, it went from girls' issues to gays. Mr. Beau was terribly troubled over the fact Lea Black once snubbed him at Twist. Wait -- Lea has been inside Twist? That fact alone is pretty magical.
Just as Lea and Beau begin to put their gay club issues behind them, Elaine Lancaster decides it was time to get some respect from this Beau character. Meaning, of course, throwing a drink in his face and pushing him into the pool. This is what we like to call a gay on gay crime. Where is the Human Rights Campaign when you need them?
Lisa was obviously upset that her party was spinning into a cocktail infused mess, so she decided all could be fixed with shots of vodka in the kitchen. In most cases, we'd be with her on this, but getting all the ladies in one place at this point in the evening was not the smoothest move. We have Marysol waving her fur around Joanna, Marta doing her best not to pass out, and Adriana whipping out the Herald article to essentially ask Karent, "Girl, what the fuck?"
Then, it was time for the moment we've been waiting for all season: Adriana bitch slapped the hell out of Joanna. She called it a punch, but as girl fight experts, we can say it was definitely a slap. Why Joanna was involved, we aren't really sure. Why a broom was at the center of it all? Again, we aren't really sure. But we thank you, Adriana, for this amazing moment.
Really, it was all about the after-show on Watch What Happens Live. Karent informed us she and Rodolfo broke up. Yeah, there's a shocker. Joanna essentially calls Joe Francis a child molester alleging he had sex with her when she was 13. In the end, Adriana called into the show and Joanna informed her to "go back to the slums of Rio." God, we hope this show stays this good.
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